Elderly drinkers use latest medical advice to wipe themselves


‘Stick to bothering gullible 20 year-olds with your pathetic, nanny state horseshit’ says every single person over 65


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Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I decided recently that I’ve had enough of buying expensive shaving products, and spending loads of time every morning having a shave. Now my beard has grown in thick and full, I reckon I look fine but my husband doesn’t agree. Should I just shave it off again to keep him happy?

Dear Lorraine,
You should count yourself lucky. Last time we were playing pirates in the back garden, I ended up having to shave my granny’s dog, Bilko, with my mummy’s kitchen scissors so we had enough hair to make a convincing beard for the pirate king. It was good for a while but you could see the Sellotape and it was only a matter of time before Granny found Bilko shivering behind the sofa and went mental. You’re also lucky that you’ve only got a beard to worry about: the other day in ballet class we could all see Amanda Sullivan’s ginger pubes through her leotard, which was extremely funny at first but was quite distracting after a while and really put me right off my demi-pliés.
Hope that helps!