Germany axed

Angela Merkel said the massive European nation must pay the price for things that happened when none of the people who currently live there were alive.



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Emergency self-help books dropped on Ethiopia

THE self-help industry has air dropped thousands of books on Ethiopia so that drought victims can manifest abundance from the universe.

Extended drought has caused severe food shortages in the Horn of Africa, prompting hundreds of wealthy self-styled gurus to join forces for a massive air drop of their shiny embossed-covered paperbacks.

Dr Morris O’Connor, author of The Secretest Secret and its sequel The Secretest Secret II: The Secreter Secret, said: “What Africa needs now is the knowledge that whatever you want, you can make it happen with the right vibrations. It’s all just a matter of being sufficiently enlightened.

“Whether your desire is a limited edition Range Rover with calfskin airbags, that red-haired cutie in the works canteen or, as is the case here, just barely enough food to keep your family alive, you simply have to communicate with the cosmos on the correct psychic frequency while repeating the matntra ‘me-me-me’.”

He added: “A humanitarian disaster like this is so much more than an amazing marketing opportunity. It’s a chance for Africans to become cosmically self-sufficient.

“If it works, then within 10 years they could be paying to come to my inspirational seminars.”

Emma Bradford, gimlet-eyed author of Angels Don’t Think You’re a Cock said: “Actually if you really attune your mind you don’t even need food or water. We can just live on light and air.

“I’m having light and air for dinner tonight, perhaps with a few fine quality meats and cheeses just out of deference to my less enlightened house guests.”

Meanwhile, the Asssociation Self-Helpers has denied that a four-year-old Somali boy was killed after being hit by a falling 21,493-page copy of Deepak Chopra’s Massive Load of Bollocks.