McDonalds launches Paul McMullan happy meal

Merchandise includes action figure, juice glass and plastic lunch box with ‘Only Paedos Need Privacy’ in sparkly writing.


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Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
The rat race is really starting to get me down. I’m sick and fed up at looking at people’s moany faces complaining about things which aren’t my fault and having to do loads of boring stuff like difficult sums and talking nonsense to angry people in suits. I’m thinking of jacking it all in and investing in a potter’s wheel. What do you think?
Mervyn King

Dear Mervyn King,
Didn’t you hear? Today is a very special day because all the teachers are going to bunk off school so perhaps you can too. It’s all rather weird because teachers usually tend to get pretty annoyed if they catch you dogging class, for example to go look at a dead cat up on the school field, even if you try to explain it’s actually a valuable scientific experiment because you can see maggots crawling out of its bumhole. Anyway, my mummy says the teachers won’t be looking at decaying animal corpses, just standing outside the school gates and shouting. If you ask me, someone needs to take them aside and point out that you’re much less likely to get caught and have much more fun if you hide out somewhere a little more discreet, like Stacey Sullivan’s house: she’s got Monster Munch and Guitar Hero 2.
Hope that helps!