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Sex addiction linked to being a wealthy middle-aged man

SCIENTISTS believe they are closer to curing sex addiction after identifying an unusually high incidence among rich, ageing men.

Researchers found the condition is most prevalent among very affluent married men of middle age, who are better than average at lying.

They are also likely to drink in hotel bars, wear designer socks and to own a big car with a variety of exhaust pipes.

Martin Bishop, professor of sex needs at Reading University, said: “In extreme cases sexual withdrawal symptoms or ‘sex turkey’ can cause the addicts’ flesh to fall off in big messy gobbets, rather like what happens to Jeff Goldblum in The Fly. Hence they have to keep rutting.

“Back in less enlightened times sex addicts were dismissed as ‘randy buggers’, ‘bin rats’ or simply ‘sleazy’ and endured demeaning comments like ‘he’d get on a clipped hedge, the filthy shit’.

“Thankfully those days are over and being unable to resist putting your genitals in people is rightly recognised as an illness, like diabetes but with a twinkle in its eye.”

The recent explosion in sex addiction follows the emergence of a new super-strong form of sex known as ‘JackRabbit’.

Jittery sex addict Tom Logan said: “JackRabbit is made by mixing normal sex with baking soda.

“It is instantly addictive and most men who try it quickly find themselves living in a derelict hotel room just off the M4, carefully tiptoeing their way between dozens of sharp, dirty skanks.”