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Sex addiction linked to being a wealthy middle-aged man

SCIENTISTS believe they are closer to curing sex addiction after identifying an unusually high incidence among rich, ageing men.

Research has found the condition is most prevalent among very affluent married men of middle age or above who are better than average at lying.

They are also likely to drink in hotel bars, wear designer socks and to own large cars with a variety of exhaust pipes.

Sex therapist Dr Martin Bishop said: “In less enlightened times sex addicts were dismissed as ‘love rats’, ‘randy buggers’ or simply ‘sleazy’ and endured demeaning comments like ‘he’d get on a clipped hedge, the filthy shit’.

“Thankfully, now we have realised the demographic of sexual addicts and how much they will pay to avoid costly divorces, those dark days are over and we recognise it as very real. 

“Today being unable to resist putting your genitals in the young and attractive is rightly recognised as an illness, like diabetes with a twinkle in its eye. 

“In extreme cases of sexual withdrawal, or ‘sex turkey’, addicts’ flesh falls off in big messy gobbets like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly. Hence they have no option but to keep rutting. They wish they could stop, but it’s out of their control.” 

The recent explosion in sex addiction follows the emergence of a new super-strong form of sex, known as ‘JackRabbit’. Jittery sex addict Tom Logan explained: “JackRabbit is made by mixing normal sex with baking soda.

“It is instantly addictive and most men who try it quickly find themselves living in a derelict hotel room just off the M4, carefully tiptoeing their way between dozens of sharp, dirty skanks.”