22 shit ways to spend New Year's Eve

THERE are more shit ways to spend New Year’s Eve than there are stars in the sky. Here are just a few of them: 

Going to a party full of total randos going apeshit because it’s New Year, where you shelter in a corner with your mates then walk home in the freezing cold.

Holding a party where your home gets wrecked by total randos going apeshit because it’s New Year.

Going to a fancy dress party where everyone else has taken it really seriously and hired costumes and you’re wearing a skeleton one you got cheap after Halloween.

Being off your head on drugs listening to a man explain how he made £220,000 gaming the bitcoin system but his f**king bank’s closed his f**king account.

Going to a shit party where you end up trapped in the kitchen with a committed evangelist for the DC cinematic universe at midnight because he believes he’ll get a kiss.

Going to a family party, where the booze runs out just after the off-licence closes.

Going to a small gathering at a friend’s house, with ample time to reflect that these aren’t really your best friends and you’ve settled.

Having friends for a small gathering at your house, with ample time to reflect as above but you’ve had to provide booze and nibbles.

Staying in alone, because it’s absolutely tragic.

Staying in with your partner, because it’s somehow even more tragic.

Staying in with the kids, because the hours from 8pm until midnight have never, ever been longer than when counting them down with two wired kids.

Watching Jools’s Hootenanny, because you’re beginning a year at absolute rock bottom.

Going to a local pub, where you swiftly learn all the locals know each other and celebrate together and you’re there like Billy No-Mates.

Going out round the bars, all of which are packed to bursting with career arseholes reaching a drunken peak.

Working in a bar or pub serving the career arseholes reaching their drunken peak.

Going to a nightclub, where the bouncers demand an extra £20 per person to let you in before midnight because nightclubs are the happy face of organised crime.

Going to a comedy gig, where none of the comics have bothered coming up with any special material for the night and are doing the same tired just-moved-in-with-my-boyfriend shit they’ve been flogging around the circuit for years.

Going to Central London to watch the fireworks, with a freezing cold wait for two hours followed by a four-hour journey home.

Going to Edinburgh for Hogmanay, which is a great way to find out anti-English prejudice is no f**king joke and friendliness to other Scots is surpassingly rare too.

Going to Paris, where it turns out the locals spend the whole evening eating because of course they bloody do.

Going to Amsterdam, where it turns out the locals are completely f**king insane and throw lit fireworks at you.

Going to bed, because come on, the number’s changing, you should be there to see it.

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Six self-love tips to make you hate yourself this New Year

2022 is finally here, so it’s time to start being kind to yourself and learn to love who you are. Here are six pieces of advice guaranteed to backfire:

Strengthen yourself 

Sport isn’t just a way to lose weight and become healthier and more centred. It’s also a way to discover you’re a lazy arsewipe with zero tolerance for pain. If you want to test your self-loving-self to the limit, get a personal trainer and hemorrhage cash and self-respect.

Nourish yourself 

What better way to show you care about yourself than raw spinach for breakfast? Swapping out chips for steamed broccoli? What could be more soul-crushing than not making it 24 hours before the sugar low makes you crash so hard you realise you’re living life from one Leibniz biscuit to the next?

Pamper yourself 

If you really want to worship yourself, why not max out your credit card with a spa day? A perfect way to relax in the presence of your physical flaws: that tummy flab beneath the jacuzzi bubbles, those toenails that make the pedicurist gag. Your self-loathing will be fresh and new.

Meditate on yourself 

Just ten minutes of meditation a day is enough to make you realise both how tired and how impatient you are and, underneath it all, that you’re kind of a bad person. Before your 600 seconds are up you’ll be wondering how in hell you’re supposed to ‘love’ someone like you exactly?

Immerse yourself in nature 

Don’t overthink it, get out the house for a stroll in the fresh air… except the air in your grimy suburb is a long way from fresh and it’s f**king freezing. You’ll last maybe 20 minutes and you’ll get dogshit on your new running trainers.

Take pride in yourself 

It’s so important to take the time to remind yourself how great you are, just as you are. But when you’re still staring at a blank page searching for shit to be proud of after half an hour it’s not looking or feeling good. You don’t go out of your way to hurt people? Is that good enough?