Are you drunk in the office?

ARE you just having a bit of a relaxed morning in the office, or have you inadvertently rolled into work blind drunk? Take our quiz to find out. 

You’ve just arrived at work, and are heading to the canteen for breakfast. Do you order:

A) A healthy bowl of porridge and a cup of tea.

B) Six cheese toasties, a bacon sandwich, a sausage sandwich and four cups of coffee, all consumed in the canteen as if you were at an all-night caff.

Are you wearing:

A) Standard business attire?

B) The same standard business attire that you wore yesterday and have clearly slept in?

You’ve forgotten your password. Does this trigger:

A) A mild complaint to colleagues about the bloody ridiculous levels of security in this place.

B) A ten-minute long, unhinged rant to colleagues about how passwords are one of the greatest scourges of modern life and one day you’ll be locked out of your own house because you can’t remember if it’s an ‘O’ or an ‘0’.

It’s lunchtime. Do you:

A) Nip to the nearby Sainsbury’s for a sandwich and to pick up something special for dinner later.

B) Nip to the nearby Sainsbury’s for six cans which you shotgun in the loading dock to chase your approaching hangover.

You nip to the toilet. Do you:

A) Swiftly urinate, wash your hands, check your reflection and head back to the working world refreshed.

B) Lean your forehead on the cool tiles above the urinal while letting loose a long, gutteral sigh of relief, then remain that way for a few minutes after your bladder has emptied.

Finally you’ve made it to the end of a long day. Do you:

A) Wish your colleagues goodbye and head home, looking forward to a glass or two of prosecco with your partner later.

B) Vomit into a bin.


Mostly As: Congratulations! You are very probably not drunk in the office, or are ‘styling it out’.

Mostly Bs: Congratulations! You’re pissed in the office and not even trying to hide it. The day will pass quicker and you’ll find it easier to make key decisions.

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Couple who spent all day cleaning dishonestly apologise for mess

A COUPLE who spent all day cleaning their house have pretended they think it’s like a pig sty.

Lying bastards Eleanor Shaw and Tom Logan spent hour frenziedly mopping and hoovering, only to pretend that the house is still below their normal standards.

Shaw said: “We’re so sorry about the mess. We’ve just been so busy with our important jobs and stimulating social lives.

“Don’t even look at that pile of tasteful art books, because one of them’s slightly out of alignment.

“How very embarrassing this all is.”

Guest Nathan Muir said: “They’ve clearly taken a day off work to sort this place out. While they’re terrible actors, it’s nice to know they care so much what we think of them.

“That said, I’m not sure how we ended up being mates with such superficial dickheads.”