Being able to see or hear overrated, decides edgy bar

A COOL new bar has chosen to make its interior so dark and noisy that you are unable to look at or talk to people in it.

Bar manager Tom Booker carefully developed the venue’s design with the aim of making conversation and navigation impossible, in order to give patrons a thoroughly frustrating experience.

Booker said: “It’s a common misconception that people come to bars to talk and enjoy themselves. 

“They actually come to be held hostage by thumping bass and to wonder what they’re doing with their lives when they fall down the shadowy stairs to the one grim toilet. It’s like Stockholm Syndrome, and people like that. Eventually.

“What customers want is a sensory hellscape where they can barely see their own hands in front of them. The only thing they should be able to make out is the neon lights of the bar, which they will be drawn to like a moth and then feel the need to buy an £18 drink called a Slutsucker.

“To make it as disorientating as possible, the décor is a cross between a Victorian parlour and a sex dungeon. The music is terrible and repeats every hour, essentially torturing the staff, which to be honest is what people who aspire to be ‘mixologists’ or ‘cocktail artists’ deserve.”

Customer Lauren Hewitt said: “I love this bar! It’s terrible for socialising with people you like, but I had a great night there with my parents. I couldn’t hear anything they said and lost them when I went to the bathroom. They’re probably still in there somewhere.”

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Driving through a car wash: Six thrilling experiences that would traumatise children today

IN the olden days, life was was more exciting for kids due to your embarrassingly low expectations. Having said that, some activities would leave a child of today needing counselling. Like these.

Watching Labyrinth

Seeing all that magic on screen was pure joy when you were a child. It’s weird that modern children aren’t enchanted by angry puppets and demands from David Bowie to come and be his child bride. 

Driving through a car wash

You’ll never forget being stuck in a small, cramped space where robots battered the windows and you might have drowned if you’d tried to get out. It was definitely a thrill, in the same way being in a burning building is ‘thrilling’. These days car washes probably have wussy warnings everywhere, eg. ‘Not suitable for people who do not like the thought of being drowned, scalded to death or torn apart by machinery.’ Snowflakes.

Eating paper

With hindsight, a bit weird and attention-seeking, but at the time freaking out your friends by chowing down on a random bit of a book was the best, wasn’t it? These days paper is probably on dangerous allergen lists, so encourage children to eat normal things like crayons or hair. 

Going to a funfair

Going to a ramshackle fairground in a field was as good as anything at Disneyland, which fortunately you hadn’t been to. And it was great for kids – some of them were even operating the rides. You didn’t meet Mickey and Goofy, but the rough-as-f**k tattooed blokes were interesting enough. Unfortunately these days theme parks are a heavily-regulated, sterile affair where you’re not even allowed to lose a finger.

Living with a ‘popcorn’ ceiling

Ceilings with a bumpy surface thanks to small lumps of polystyrene looked so much cooler than just boring paint. Sadly today’s homeowners are obsessed with poncey interior design concepts like ‘elegant’ and ‘simple’ and ‘definitely doesn’t have asbestos behind it’.

Walking to the shop on your own

It was a big day when you were told you could run to get some milk unaccompanied. You didn’t even know to be worried that you didn’t have your phone with you – which is funny, because now if someone told you to go somewhere without your phone you’d shit yourself.