Starmer: I am proud to be the face of apathetic change

KEIR Starmer has quietly and modestly accepted his position as the poster boy of indifferent, apathetic change.

With Labour emerging victorious thanks to whoever could be bothered to vote in Tamworth and Mid Bedfordshire, the default winner Sir Keir is now set to lead a bland, unambitious revolution.

He said: “The message is soft and indistinct. People are quietly grumbling out for change, and that change looks like a slick side parting with a face that struggles to smile.

“Think of me as the Che Guevara of centrism. But instead of a snazzy beret I’m sporting a sensible, crowd-pleasing Windsor knot. It’s an inoffensive, grown-up look that will be plastered all over student t-shirts in no time.

“What does my dispassionate revolt stand for? Well, you’ll just have to wait and see. But whatever you believe in, it vaguely looks like that. Even Brexit. Rest assured I’m on your side. Kind of. 

“Heavy is the head that wears the crown of indifference though. If I’m not careful then the unenthusiastic toleration of voters could sour into bitter acceptance. That’s why I’m refusing to get too excited just yet.

“Oh, and rest assured, that glitter thing was a freakish one-off. Nothing that spontaneous or exciting will ever happen again. Not on my watch.”

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Go on, elect a new leader, we all need a laugh, Britain tells Tories

BRITAIN is seeking to convince the Conservative party their by-election losses mean they need a new leader, just to see what freak they get this time.

Record losses in Tamworth and Mid Bedfordshire could see the Tories roll the dice on yet another gibbering maniac emerging from 13 years of flagrant misrule to turn their fortunes around.

Helen Archer of Dunstable said: “Let’s see who’s next out of the gimp cage. Should be fun.

“Rees-Mogg for a spin on the tiller? Gove, finally given the prize he’s coveted for decades, but now it’s broken and smeared in excrement? Mordaunt, on the basis that she held a f**king sword?

“Perhaps one of your full-on nutters? Braverman? Badenoch? Dame Patel, her very name redolent of corruption? You can call us racist for not voting for them, which will be hilarious. 

“Imagine conference next year, another eight scandals and six lost seats down the line, a pop-eyed, pencil-headed twat at the podium declaring himself a fresh start unconnected to the Sunak, Truss, Johnson, May or Cameron administrations, and me pissing myself.”

Thérèse Coffey said: “My time has come.”