Seven movies that managed to make the impossibly thrilling achingly tedious

TIME travel, supervillains, evil ghosts – it’s impossible to make those things boring, surely? Unfortunately if you’ve seen any of these films you’ll realise it’s not.

Tenet, 2020 

It’s directed by Christopher Nolan and it’s about reversing time, so it’s going to be like Inception, right? Yes, if you watched Inception after necking a handful of Mogadon. The main problem is that it’s lost in its own confusing universe, so you don’t give a shit what they’re actually reversing time for. Maybe it’s Chris Nolan’s dream to own a time machine so he can check what the weather was like last Tuesday. That could be the central premise of Tenet 2.

Moulin Rouge, 2001 

Surely nothing could go wrong? It’s a sumptuous rendering of life in the sexy 19th century nightclub; Nicole Kidman and Obi-Wan Kenobi are in it; there are even pop hits if you don’t like normal musicals. So why is it so boring? Probably the grindingly hyperactive atmosphere and using songs you’ve already heard way too many times like Bohemian Rhapsody. It’s likely Satine didn’t die from consumption, but instead a rare, fatal, psycho-somatic condition caused by hearing Material Girl once too often.

Commando, 1985 

Ex-special forces colonel John Matrix’s daughter has been kidnapped – okay, that’s more than enough plot. Every action film cliche is here – recoil does not exist, ammunition is infinite, never fire a gun from your shoulder – but the main problem is that the bad guys are so ineffectual that 250lb Arnie may as well be fighting the garden gnomes in B&Q. If only he was. At least there’d be one-liners like: ‘You should have ‘gnome’ I’d kill you!’

Star Trek: Into Darkness, 2013

Star Trek fans soon realised JJ Abrams has no ideas and just makes things bigger, more numerous, or drags them out longer. One of many examples is the incredibly long fight between Spock and Khan, with both taking countless blows but always coming back for more. It’s a lot like watching someone play Whac-a-Mole at a fairground, only you can’t alleviate the boredom in a cinema by pissing off to win an ill-looking goldfish.  

Joker, 2019

Who’d have thought the Joker in a grittily realistic setting would be quite so uneventful? It’s a reimagined loser version of the Joker so there are no supervillain high jinks, but it doesn’t commit to the social injustice Arthur Fleck suffers either. Let’s hope they make a Lego film version. Kids would love seeing Lego Joker failing to get stand-up gigs and being depressed.

Paranormal Activity 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7, various years

Ghosts are inherently scary, threatening unknown terrors from the realm of the dead, but these extremely formulaic films are like getting a job watching the CCTV in Boots. In fact the most interesting thing about them becomes looking out for the implausible reasons why the characters have left a video camera running to film a sofa they see every day.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, 2009 

It’s hard to pick the worst Transformers film because they’re all identical apart from some not having Megan Fox in, which sadly enables you to focus fully on the ‘story’. Revenge of the Fallen isn’t the worst but it does feature Optimus Prime punching A. N. Othertron for what feels like a couple of days. It would actually be more exciting watching two fridges squaring up, because then at least you’d be wondering how the hell they were going to batter each other.

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Female football fan shamelessly sexist about women's football

A FEMALE football fan has openly poured scorn on women’s football in a manner that is extremely offensive to women.

Manchester United fan Nikki Hollis watched a match between Arsenal WFC and Aston Villa WFC with her boyfriend Tom Logan, who was appalled by her discriminatory remarks.

Hollis said: “Face it, women can’t play football, any more than they can operate heavy machinery. You should have seen it. Simple passes going astray, defenders hoofing thin air and missing the ball completely. It was a shitshow.

“Honestly, a bunch of 12-year-old lads having a kickabout at the park would have wiped the floor with them.”

Logan said: “I was horrified. I tried to reason with her. I told her how the women’s game in the UK had been suspended for almost 50 years due to the sexism of the FA and was making rapid leaps and strides, but she called me a ‘feminazi’.

“She then made a crack about their breasts – that wasn’t the word she used – getting in the way, making them hopeless at defending set pieces. I must say, as a male feminist, I felt violated.”

Hollis added: “Tom’s got to man up and admit women are shit at football. Thank Christ the Premier League’s coming back this weekend. Proper, actual football, with thighs you can admire. 

“I just hope Alex Scott isn’t presenting Football Focus. She doesn’t know her arse from her tits.”