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Boss can f**k off from works do after getting his round in

AN OFFICE manager has been invited to buy his round at this week’s office Christmas party and then leave so everybody can hate him. 

Nathan Muir, who did not bother to organise an event but then invited himself along to the one arranged by staff, is welcome to remain for as long as it takes to distribute the drinks he has paid for but no longer.

Employee Carolyn Ryan said: “Christ. Say what you like about Scrooge, but he didn’t expect to socialise with the Cratchits after he’d bought them a f**king big goose. He slunk off round his nephew’s.

“The boss owes us this drink. He owes us far more. Rightly he should put his gold card behind the bar while we abuse it mightily, but we all know he’s too tight for that.

“He’ll be there, talking shop, reminding us of the Q4 KPIs like it’s an unofficial sodding appraisal. We’d send him to the wrong pub but we did that last year so it won’t work twice.

“Once that round’s in, he’s dead to us. He can get in his f**king Merc and piss off back to his six-bedroom house so we can get to mercilessly slagging him off.”

Muir said: “I think it’s important to spend ‘down time’ with my staff, just to show them I’m one of the lads really. Plus it’s the last chance before the New Year redundancies.”

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The wanker's guide to ensuring everyone knows you're working through Christmas

ARE you the one grafting all the way through the festive period? Want everyone to know it? These lines will leave nobody in any doubt as to how vitally important you are: 

‘Santa will be delivering my presents to the office’

You’re not clocking off on the 19th, unlike workshy mothers of school-age kids. You’re not clocking off on the 24th, like fathers of school-age kids. You’re working through. Send meeting invites for the Christmas-New Year period and be disappointed they’re cancelled. You’ll be reply-alling the boss’s seasonal message at 9am on Christmas Day. 

‘The trains will be nice and quiet’

Not only will you be working over Christmas but you’ll be trekking into the office to conduct minor admin. Remind everyone you’re commuting in for a GDPR refresher course and to reorganise the folders in the shared area. Loudly extol the benefits of sitting in an empty carriage sipping a nice hot latte as if there are any. 

Add ‘WORKING OVER CHRISTMAS’ to your email signature

You should have done this from mid-November, to give everyone else chance to regret their folly, but now is fine. End every Teams meeting by asking who needs their desk plants watering. Emphasise that you are the selfish engine which keeps the wheels of commerce turning while everyone else is snoozing in front of the telly.

Wear a smart suit on Christmas Jumper Day

If asked why you’re not joining in ‘the fun’, explain that with so many projects on the go it would be irresponsible to be costumed like a clown when Tokyo could Zoom. Joy and laughter are for lesser mortals whose work is of no consequence. You’ll spend Boxing Day catching up on emails, as Jesus would have wanted. 

‘It’s a waste of leave’

When it comes to annual leave, you’re a master strategist. The Christmas period is perfect for relaxing and taking stock of the year. You pity idiots like Emma for spending a fortnight skiing with her family in Avoriaz, rather than enjoying a rare period of office downtime surrounded by leftover chocolates like you shrewdly are. 

Set your out of office reply to say, ‘I am available, please feel free to contact me over Christmas’

You’ve nailed the comms with those holidaying slackers but what of others, in other offices? Make sure their festive greetings are met with a reply explicitly stating that you’re working and raring to update spreadsheets. Reword the message on a daily basis so it keeps landing in their inbox. Follow up immediately with a call. Don’t mention Christmas. 

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