Even pub not sure why it's playing music everyone bloody hates

A PUB has made the strange decision to play extremely crap music at a deafening volume despite it being loathed by everyone including the staff.

Every night without fail, bar staff at the Green Man in Nuneaton put on mixes of mediocre house or bad 80s compilations featuring Level 42 which they would never listen to at home.

Meanwhile customers complain bitterly as they struggle to make themselves heard above the nondescript racket, but equally mysteriously come back every night.

Landlord Tom Logan said: “It’d be unthinkable not to crank up the music to nightclub levels at 6.30, even though it would be incredibly strange if someone ever got up and danced to it.

“No one ever complains so it must be pleasing somebody, though I’m not sure who. Not me. I fucking hate it. Right, time to put on Megabeatz Euro House, Volume 17.

“I suppose I could turn the music off but that feels wrong for some unfathomable reason. It’s just one of life’s unsolvable mysteries, like what’s at the end of space?”

Regular Roy Hobbs said: “Oddly I’m not a huge fan of migraine-inducing, conversation-killing, total-shite high-decibel muzak. I don’t like to complain, though. I’m British.”

Hobbs then had a conversation he could hear about 15 per cent of due to a Vengaboys track that was widely loathed at the height of its popularity in 1998.

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School trip costs how f**king much?

A SCHOOL trip to somewhere not even far away costs they-are-taking-the-fucking-piss, parents have confirmed.

The trip to the Deep Sea Adventure aquarium would cost an ordinary family around £25 but the school trip works out at three times more just to look at some fish.  

Parent Nathan Muir fumed: “I’ve been to that aquarium. They have a special price for school parties. Excellent.

“I know they’ve got to get there, but they’re not hiring the Rolling Stones’ tour bus. It’s just some fucking coach where the seats are still sticky from the last kid’s Capri-Sun.

“What’s the extra cash for? Worksheets? Are they going to some VIP area where you can get a lapdance from a penguin?

“I could take the day off work and drive there myself. Then I could spend the afternoon swigging Moët & Chandon in the cafe and still have money spare.”

Muir added: “And I’ll have to give them a tenner spending money to blow on cuddly manta rays and scented rubbers from the shop. Does the school hate me?”