Every type of British person able to afford to drink every day

INCOME, age, race and class have proved no obstacle to any British citizen’s inalienable right to drink alcohol whenever they want to. 

Despite a cost of living crisis, recession, soaring housing costs and inflation, residents of the UK still manage to find the funds to get drunk whenever they feel it necessary, which is often.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Whether you’re sinking six pints before a non-league game or killing off four mai tais over bottomless brunch, Britain prioritises getting pissed.

“Despite our current challenges, it’s reassuring that so many of us are willing to write off our economic future to attend Wetherspoon’s Curry Club and drink Strongbow Dark Fruits until we’re sick.

“This is the new British stiff upper lip. It’s quite possible the only thing every strata of society can still bond over is their readiness to declare every night to be a drinking night.

“From the builder who doesn’t even change out of his hi-viz before cracking a Carling to the teenagers sharing white cider in the park to boomers blowing their children’s inheritance on the £24 bottles of wine Sainsbury’s puts on the high shelves, we are united.”

Homeless man Steve Malley said: “When I hold a sign saying ‘Hungry and Homeless’ nobody cares. When I hold one saying ‘Need A Drink’ the cash comes pissing in.”

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We ask you: is it time to kick out England's most successful manager since 1966 for being shit?

GARETH Southgate, the most successful England manager since Alf Ramsey, is a miserable failure who lost his country two Euros and a World Cup. Time for him to go?

Helen Archer, vivisectionist: “And his missed penalty lost us Euro 96, killing Britpop and by extension Princess Diana. Hanging’s too good for him.”

Martin Bishop, lecturer: “I honestly think England would have won four or five World Cups since 2016 with someone else in charge, and a couple of Superbowls.”

Thomas Booker, cabin steward: “He’s in charge of a golden generation, even more golden than the previous generation which was even more golden than the generation before that. In a river of gold he’s a dam of turds.”

Nathan Muir, HGV driver: “They say grass withers where he walks, food rots to dust the moment he touches it, and his very gaze turned Harry Maguire to stone.”

Lottie Phelps, camgirl: “I actually think people are being much too harsh, and also if we don’t beat Brazil tonight he should be blinded.”