Five signs you're in a pub for dickheads

POPPED out for a pint but realised something feels a bit off? Find out if you are in a pub for dickheads with this guide.

The staff are all teenagers

Take a look at the bar staff. Is there a single member who looks like they can remember 9/11? If not then this establishment is aimed at teenagers and people in their early 20s, and therefore it’s a pub for dickheads. You’re probably being filmed right now and will become a viral TikTok star for the next five seconds.

It operates a strict no phones or wifi policy

Pubs are where you go to socialise, but that doesn’t mean they should stamp out your freedom to idly scroll Twitter when your mate’s droning on about the football again. Places which aggressively veto digital activities are aimed at miserable old bastards who also think decimalisation was a mistake. They’ve got no problem making you pay by contactless though, weirdly.

There’s no proper furniture

Balancing on a wobbly milking stool as you try to rest your pint on a pallet doubling as a table? You’re in a pub for dickheads. Consider yourself lucky that you’re drinking from a glass and not a jam jar. Just make sure you move on before you need to take a leak, Christ knows what Rube Goldberg machine they expect you to piss in.

Sport is on a massive telly

The only thing you should hear in a pub is the ambient sound of a pint being pulled and a dart thunking into a board. Background chatter is of course acceptable too. What shouldn’t be permitted is Sky Sports blaring from a 224 inch LCD TV with the volume cranked up to triple digits. Escape immediately before the moronic clientele start chanting.

Shit decoration

Walls plastered with pages from old issues of the NME? Inspirational quotes painted on the ceilings? There’s no end to the variety of shit decoration a pub for dickheads can offer. Ideally the furnishings should be so inoffensive you barely register them as you stumble to the bar. Anywhere with neon lights or crap Banksy reproductions is strictly for bellends.

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Dad on family day out concerned he hasn't paid for anything for 15 minutes

A FATHER on an outing with his kids is beginning to worry after not shelling out a fortune on crap for several minutes.

Tom Logan took his children to a local wildlife park in an attempt to broaden their horizons, but became concerned something was wrong after they took a break from constantly asking him to purchase some overpriced tat.

Logan said: “Part of the deal of going to places with children is that you have to constantly get your wallet out and buy a balloon shaped like a flamingo or several horribly expensive ice creams. It’s just a fact of life.

“But they haven’t begged me to pay for a ride on a merry-go-round or a fizzy drink for 17 and a half minutes now. It’s getting weird.

“It’s as if they’re genuinely enjoying themselves and not just treating this outing as an elaborate shopping trip, like the grasping little capitalist bastards they usually are.

“Or maybe they’re changelings that have been swapped for my real children in the night. I wouldn’t be that bothered, actually. These ones are nicer.”

Logan’s daughter Sophie said: “We’re just saving ourselves to hit him with a mega-beg for a five-foot tall cuddly sloth in the gift shop. It’ll be fun watching him weep as he hands his debit card over.”