POPPED out for a pint but realised something feels a bit off? Find out if you are in a pub for dickheads with this guide.
The staff are all teenagers
Take a look at the bar staff. Is there a single member who looks like they can remember 9/11? If not then this establishment is aimed at teenagers and people in their early 20s, and therefore it’s a pub for dickheads. You’re probably being filmed right now and will become a viral TikTok star for the next five seconds.
It operates a strict no phones or wifi policy
Pubs are where you go to socialise, but that doesn’t mean they should stamp out your freedom to idly scroll Twitter when your mate’s droning on about the football again. Places which aggressively veto digital activities are aimed at miserable old bastards who also think decimalisation was a mistake. They’ve got no problem making you pay by contactless though, weirdly.
There’s no proper furniture
Balancing on a wobbly milking stool as you try to rest your pint on a pallet doubling as a table? You’re in a pub for dickheads. Consider yourself lucky that you’re drinking from a glass and not a jam jar. Just make sure you move on before you need to take a leak, Christ knows what Rube Goldberg machine they expect you to piss in.
Sport is on a massive telly
The only thing you should hear in a pub is the ambient sound of a pint being pulled and a dart thunking into a board. Background chatter is of course acceptable too. What shouldn’t be permitted is Sky Sports blaring from a 224 inch LCD TV with the volume cranked up to triple digits. Escape immediately before the moronic clientele start chanting.
Walls plastered with pages from old issues of the NME? Inspirational quotes painted on the ceilings? There’s no end to the variety of shit decoration a pub for dickheads can offer. Ideally the furnishings should be so inoffensive you barely register them as you stumble to the bar. Anywhere with neon lights or crap Banksy reproductions is strictly for bellends.