Heroic woman risks life to buy essential box of wine

AN incredibly brave woman has risked catching coronavirus at the supermarket because she needed some wine.    

Emma Bradford ventured out to her local Sainsbury’s last night wearing a protective scarf, gloves and sunglasses to pick up some Pinot Grigio.

Bradford said: “It’s at times like this you find strength you never knew you had. I was terrified the entire time I was out there but I did it.

“I heard a man cough in the bread aisle and almost fainted three times from trying not to breathe, but I carried on. I can probably apply for some sort of civic award for bravery. 

“I even managed to get myself three essential grab bags of kettle crisps and a jar of essential olives.

“The problem is that post-lockdown me only stocked up on healthy food. She was naive, and believed she would get fit and healthy during the pandemic.   

“I’m a different person now. I’ve got the inner strength to go back for a box of Merlot tomorrow.”

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How to make your own PPE, with Dominic Raab

GOOD morning, I’m the supply prime minister and today I’m going to show you how to make your own personal protective equipment at home. 

First, get a large sheet of plastic. This could be cling film, an unused Alton Towers rain poncho, or simply leftover wrapping from the recent purchase of a double chest freezer. 

Lie on it while getting friends and family to draw around you. Make it into a fun game! Then cut out the silhouette and use it as a template to create protective aprons hand-tailored for your body. 

If you want to get a Sharpie to decorate them with flowers, pound signs or morale-boosting slogans like ‘I’m backing Boris’ or ‘Get Brexit done’, go ahead and let your creativity run wild. 

For headgear, take a look in the kids’ dressing-up box. There’s probably an old zombie mask, robot head or riot police helmet that will do a super job. 

Cover up all the joins with sellotape – but make sure you can breathe! I didn’t and the wife found me unconscious on the youngest’s Paw Patrol duvet three hours later. 

Finally, have a look around for a roll of disposable plastic gloves. Perhaps you’ve stolen them from work, like all public sector employees do. Well, I’m happy to declare an amnesty just this once. 

But if you can’t find any, a clever trick is simply to use woollen gloves plunged into a pan of hot wax, making them as waterproof and safe as a Barbour coat and just as classy. 

Congratulations, you’ve made your own PPE! Now get back on the NHS frontlines and no slacking. I know what you people are like.