How to drink your recommended five pints a day

EVERY adult should be quaffing a minimum five pints of beer or cider in the sunny weather. Squeeze 96 fluid ounces of booze into your day with this guide: 

Have a boozy breakfast

Breakfast pints are the most important pints of the day. If you don’t wash down your burnt toast with at least one, you risk having to confront your dead-end job with 100 per cent clarity. Avoid that grim fate by swapping morning apple juice for something equally healthy, like a Heineken Light.

Take a bottle to the office

Hide your drinking habit in plain sight by swigging Stella from a water bottle at your desk. Nobody will suspect you’re knocking back precious units while blearily studying a spreadsheet, instead assuming you’re simply one more worker who cannot survive an hour without hydration.

Don’t skip liquid lunches

In our fast-paced corporate world it’s all too easy to have a pint-free lunch break. It doesn’t have to be that way. Instead of lukewarm tea in the canteen, head to the nearest Wetherspoons and double park yourself with a couple of Doom Bars. A side of chips is useful cover if your boss walks past.

Add beer to every meal

Beer’s often added to stews and pies, but with a bit of creative thinking pints can enhance  every footstuff. Would Super Noodles taste better if they were swimming in a pint of IPA? Could a chicken Marsala be made with bitter instead of wine? Do Frosties go well with Special Brew? The answer to all these questions is ‘if you’re drunk enough’.

Host a party

When it comes to getting your five a day, parties are to pints what smoothies are to fruit. A decent party will easily meet your target and maybe even double it. Not got an occasion to mark or friends to invite? It’s probably the two-month eve of your half-birthday, which is ample cause for celebration alone in a beer garden.

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Woman's career not good enough to justify her being single

A WOMAN who claims her job means she is too busy for romancedoes not have a job important enough for that to be convincing. 

Eleanor Shaw makes out she is only single because she is a workaholic with an all-consuming professional life while being regional manager for B&Q in Lancashire.

Friend Francesca Johnson said: “Ellie says she’s so focused on her career that she can’t give herself fully to a relationship. Really?

“If she was a senior barrister or running her own start-up or CEO of a major publishing company, I’d accept it without question. But she doesn’t work weekends, crochets elaborate outfits for her cat and is very invested in the new series of Love Island. 

“When you ask why she’s single you get a whole lecture about how unfair it is that a woman’s defined by relationship status not her corporate status, but I know for a fact sometimes she doesn’t show up and nobody notices.”

Shaw said: “It’s just so difficult managing things when you have it all. Also men are a pain in the arse, aren’t they?”