Six reasons, as if you needed them, not to swim in Britain's seas

TEMPTED by the gleaming blue-ish waters of the British seaside on this sunny day? Remind yourself of what a bad idea that is before you plunge in: 

It’s f**king freezing

Human eyes can’t see into infra-red, so we can’t see temperature. But unlike the warming waters of the Med or the soothing Aegean, British waters are uniformly freezing. Even in a wetsuit you won’t last ten minutes. Without one you’ll pass the bollock barrier then die.

Sewage, of course

You’d have to live under a rock like a shit-eating crab to have missed the news about the statistically ludicrous streams of excrement pumped into our sea. Doing breaststroke while a tampon nudges your wrist is a horror story. Swallow a mouthful of water and you’re patient zero of a cholera epidemic.

Spiky things

Other countries have nice soft sand, but the British seaside is home to more abrasive rocks than a yoga studio’s water fountain. There’s also broken glass, marine debris and, thanks to global warming, sea urchins. Walking in is akin to walking over hot coals, except cold.

Hostile slimy things

Who knows what truly lurks beneath the waves? At any moment you could be touched by a jellyfish, or a plastic bag you mistook for one. And there’s the endless tide of seaweed embracing your ankles like living litter. A good honest shark would be preferable to the stealthy caresses of the unknown.

Wild swimmers

And there’s a human peril. Flocks of trend-following Guardian readers hitting the waves claiming to find life-enhancing delight in their grey churning. These people will extol the benefits of wild swimming while wild swimming, making your brief paddle nauseatingly virtuous.

You might accidentally be mistaken for a refugee

With the political climate as it is, hovering near the coastline without your birth certificate in a waterproof pouch is dangerous. Add in a flotation device, even if it is a pink flamingo, and you’re a scourge invading Britain. Next stop Kigali.

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The Eamonn Holmes guide to not being bitter

YOU can’t hold on to grudges all your life, because in the end? The person you’re really hurting is yourself. Let me help you let go. 

For example, you may hold a grudge about someone at a former workplace. Perhaps you feel they got a job you deserved because you and your wife were a proper couple and he was a closeted queen with a wholesome-but-sexy beard.

The past is past. Keeping yourself angry about it can’t change it.

It could be you feel your subsequent career trajectory, which has gone from ITV to Sky to GB f**king News, is entirely the fault of this unnamed individual and that enabling bitch who sits there like butter wouldn’t melt when she knew the whole time.

Don’t nurse that grievance. What’s done is done.

Perhaps the resentment has been kept alive because you were kept on as holiday cover for the bloody golden couple, so while they were off with their kids you and the wife stood in, humiliation written all over your faces as you did the job you apparently weren’t good enough for.

Don’t let your envy destroy you.

Maybe you’ve been spending time with others who suffered at the hands of that same pair of lying pricks, down in the GB News gutter. Perhaps aggrieved nights plotting revenge with the other rejects are all that keeps you going.

You are not your pain.

And maybe your moment has finally come. The lying prick’s finally been caught out, you’ve got the receipts, the media’s paying attention to what you have to say for a f**king change. You’re letting years of bottled-up rancour flow and everyone’s lapping it up.

Let yourself let go.

For more tips on leaving your bitterness behind, join me, Eamonn Holmes, and former This Morning regulars Dan Wootton and Kim Woodburn on GB News, channel 216 on Freeview. Move on.