DO you support diversity and progressive values? Do you nonetheless hate suffering 120 minutes of clumsy woke propaganda because Hollywood won’t give it a rest?
Men are shit
In the new Indiana Jones, a woman punches the hero’s lights out to stop him being an arsehole. But making male characters useless does not counters centuries of sexism. ‘Hey, men, remember not letting us vote? Well Admiral Holdo was right and Poe Dameron was wrong! The Last Jedi has completely redressed those historical wrongs.’
Women are brilliant
Star Wars’s Rey could do anything, including swim despite spending her whole life on a desert planet while in The Little Mermaid, this time it’s Ariel who kicks Ursula’s arse. Because real empowerment is the woman doing absolutely bloody everything and the men sitting back and enjoying a well-earned rest.
Audiences must be told what’s good for them
Viewers of The Mandalorian recently got a lesson in accepting different body types thanks to cameos by plus-sized heroes Lizzo and Jack Black. Did viewers appreciate having their unrealistic body standards challenged? No, they wanted space bounty hunters killing things and having adventures, the ungrateful bastards.
Endless role models
Black Panther: Wakanda Forever introduced Riri Williams, a young black girl tech genius who’s learning to be a hero. Nothing wrong with that. But the film was largely about Shuri, a young black girl tech genius who’s learning to be a hero. Consequently Riri had f**k all to do and everyone would have been fine without her.
History was wrong
In The Woman King, the kingdom of Dahomey is trying to end slavery (it wasn’t) with the help of the Agojie, all-female crack troops (they weren’t). What’s accurate? Well, Africa exists. Otherwise, history is outdated and in need of revision, and the future will be far happier with our new version detailing the thrilling-yet-adorable war between Nazi zombies and the My Little Ponies.
Minor pointless changes
In last year’s Peter Pan & Wendy, the Lost Boys now include girls. Hardly ruins the film, but it does discard JM Barrie’s message about the foibles of boys, replacing it with ‘girls can be misguided little twats who can’t face reality too.’ If only more children had seen the film to absorb this liberating moral.
Sci-fi and fantasy are the best arenas to address real-life problems
Forget national parliaments, courtrooms, employment tribunals or our day-to-day lives. If we’re to really address the problems minorities face, we’re to do it in dystopian futures, magical kingdoms and remote galaxies. Women who are underpaid and undervalued must feel so validated by this bullshit.