Seven ways to make films woke that even the woke hate

DO you support diversity and progressive values? Do you nonetheless hate suffering 120 minutes of clumsy woke propaganda because Hollywood won’t give it a rest?

Men are shit

In the new Indiana Jones, a woman punches the hero’s lights out to stop him being an arsehole. But making male characters useless does not counters centuries of sexism. ‘Hey, men, remember not letting us vote? Well Admiral Holdo was right and Poe Dameron was wrong! The Last Jedi has completely redressed those historical wrongs.’

Women are brilliant

Star Wars’s Rey could do anything, including swim despite spending her whole life on a desert planet while in The Little Mermaid, this time it’s Ariel who kicks Ursula’s arse. Because real empowerment is the woman doing absolutely bloody everything and the men sitting back and enjoying a well-earned rest.

Audiences must be told what’s good for them

Viewers of The Mandalorian recently got a lesson in accepting different body types thanks to cameos by plus-sized heroes Lizzo and Jack Black. Did viewers appreciate having their unrealistic body standards challenged? No, they wanted space bounty hunters killing things and having adventures, the ungrateful bastards.

Endless role models

Black Panther: Wakanda Forever introduced Riri Williams, a young black girl tech genius who’s learning to be a hero. Nothing wrong with that. But the film was largely about Shuri, a young black girl tech genius who’s learning to be a hero. Consequently Riri had f**k all to do and everyone would have been fine without her.

History was wrong

In The Woman King, the kingdom of Dahomey is trying to end slavery (it wasn’t) with the help of the Agojie, all-female crack troops (they weren’t). What’s accurate? Well, Africa exists. Otherwise, history is outdated and in need of revision, and the future will be far happier with our new version detailing the thrilling-yet-adorable war between Nazi zombies and the My Little Ponies.

Minor pointless changes

In last year’s Peter Pan & Wendy, the Lost Boys now include girls. Hardly ruins the film, but it does discard JM Barrie’s message about the foibles of boys, replacing it with ‘girls can be misguided little twats who can’t face reality too.’ If only more children had seen the film to absorb this liberating moral.

Sci-fi and fantasy are the best arenas to address real-life problems

Forget national parliaments, courtrooms, employment tribunals or our day-to-day lives. If we’re to really address the problems minorities face, we’re to do it in dystopian futures, magical kingdoms and remote galaxies. Women who are underpaid and undervalued must feel so validated by this bullshit.

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Landlord ups rent because why not

A LANDLORD has decided to slap an extra £200 on his tenants’ monthly rent because, at the end of the day, who is going to stop him? 

Martin Bishop woke up this morning and realised that his long-term renters have been getting away with paying a mutually-agreed fair sum for far too long.

He said: “I always felt the market rate for this flat was too low, and that was nine months ago. They’re basically stealing from me. I’m not having that.

“Yeah, they’ve always paid their rent on time and they’re nice people, but I’m tired of selflessly only taking £2,000 of their money every month. It’s time I put myself first for once.

“The rent as is more than covers my mortgage and maintenance costs and all that. So what? I’ve blamed inflation, but mainly I’m bored of seeing the same number on my bank statements. Increase it gives me a bit of variety.”

Tenant Ryan Whittaker said: “We explained that we couldn’t afford it, and it’s the same flat it always was, and it’s kind of not really fair, and the sound of him not giving a shit was palpable.

“I hope I never turn into a twat like that. I won’t. I’ll never be able to afford to f**king buy.”