ANYONE else sick of gym bros saying you need to give up booze to get shredded? I’ve made heavy drinking part of my workout and I’m fitter than a Navy SEAL. You can be too:
Carry a keg around with you
Lifting a glass is easy, even for gays, but health-conscious people like me carry around a keg of beer at all times. It’s great for upper-body strength, and vital when you’ve got the DTs before telling five-star generals they’re obese losers with no self-discipline.
Find exercises you can pair with a drink
Most gyms have a chest press machine, but I prefer dumbbell curls because they leave your other hand free to hold a martini. Just find out what works for you. My personal basic workout routine is: eight sit-ups, eight pull-ups, eight vodkas. Repeat. Sometimes I get so into the zone I have to be carried home.
Remember, falling over is exercise
The effort required to get up after collapsing in a blackout combines squat thrusts, lunges and press-ups in one killer exercise I call the ‘power fall’. How can I have a problem, as my bitch of a wife claims, when giving myself this demanding all-body workout? And projectile vomiting? Really crunches those abs.
Drink through the pain barrier
Being anaesthetised by alcohol pushes you through the exercise pain barrier. While other guys quit after 20 bench presses, you can do insane numbers like 200 because you don’t even hear your body screaming ‘STOP!’ Also your counting might be a little off.
Swap out protein shakes for Baileys
Same texture, same effect on building muscle mass. Also works with a Mississippi Mudslide, probably, I’m not some pussy libtard college professor who does Google searches. Ladies love Baileys too, which makes a great conversational icebreaker when I’m trying to f**k up yet another marriage.
Always carry a bottle
Any personal trainer will tell you to stay hydrated. I do it with bourbon, which takes the tedium out of always lifting shit. I’d recommend investing in an $45 Trump water bottle from the official Trump Store, because despite all my macho bullshit I am a sickening little suck-up.
Exercise with your dick out
There isn’t a specific muscle-building purpose to this, it’s just the sort of weird macho jock thing I like to do when I’m shitfaced. I also shout ‘HURR!’ every time I complete a bicep curl or deadlift, and every fifth one I hurl.
