KYLIE Jenner has released a single as a bid for attention that is only music-based by happenstance. She joins these artists in her indifference:
Fourth Strike by Terror Jr featuring Kylie Jenner, 2025
Kylie Jenner has never shown any talent in any field. She was unable to film a Pepsi advert without it being pulled from broadcast. Nonetheless she owns a billion-dollar make-up brand and decided to promote it by rapping six unconvincing lines. The response, gauging on past efforts, will be public mockery and an avalanche of cash.
Touch Me (I Want Your Body) by Samantha Fox, 1986
In the vanished days of the 1980s, a 16-year-old could become a nationally known figure for regularly appearing topless in a newspaper. Ah, Thatcherism. However it wasn’t much of an earner so Sam made the leap to pop and scored a worldwide success. Why? Was Britain so hard up for sex it demanded a soundtrack to its newsprint wank sessions?
Stars Are Blind by Paris Hilton, 2006
It seems even when you already have everything – money, a hit MTV show, the decade’s most popular sex tape in a decade known for its sex tapes – you still want more. Paris, possessed of no singing talent and little singing ambition, recorded an album simply because she could. The lead single hit number one in Hungary and Slovakia.
Love and Tears by Naomi Campbell, 1994
The early 90s, when Naomi was already making millions as a model, were also a time of creative growth for her. Her album babywoman and her novel Swan were both released. She had bugger all to do with either, of course, paying other people to do the work and barely even bothering to promote them, but she still felt it worthwhile.
Not Just Anybody by Katie Price, 2005
Not actually a single, because even at the height of the Katie-and-Peter madness no record company would actually release it, but the former glamour model’s need for national approval saw her attempt to become Britain’s Eurovision entry. Unfortunately she couldn’t sing, was seven months pregnant and wore a pink rubber catsuit. Approval did not follow.
I Breathe Again by Adam Rickitt, 1999
Because it isn’t just the ladies who cash in on being hot, Coronation Street blonde Adam released an unmemorable song with a video where he was naked in a test tube surrounded by scientists presumably murmuring ‘yes, this should capture the gay market.’ But, gay men being less desperate, they enjoyed the video and didn’t buy the song.
Driving In My Car by Maureen Rees, 1997
Britain’s first reality TV star, from BBC show Driving School, was shit at driving but very Welsh about it. This was enough for stardom and a cash-in cover of a Madness song. It reached the top 40. There was no follow-up album because of artistic clashes with producer Brian Eno, who described Maureen as ‘a vast talent, but temperamental.’
