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Are you worried you've had a one-night stand with ChatGPT? Read our checklist

DATERS on the apps are increasingly using AI to do the difficult early bits of relationships for them. Have you been lured into sex by a large language model? These are the signs: 

Was he totally different in person?

On your date, was the thoughtful, erudite, Byron-quoting guy you warmed to in chat actually charmless, dull and shit-thick? We all have off days, you thought, not realising you were in a modern version of Cyrano de Bergerac where Roxanne gave up full penetrative sex after a Pizza Express.

Did sex last exactly five minutes?

According to ChatGPT, the average duration of penis-vagina intercourse is five to seven minutes. A five-minute shag means your lover has correctly completed the act according to instructions. If you were left sexually unsatisfied, take it up with OpenAI customer support.

Were her questions weirdly open-ended?

‘Ask them about themselves’ is standard dating advice which ChatGPT has absorbed and supplied your date with questions accordingly. If you found yourself happily gabbing on for two hours in response to the question ‘Why don’t you tell me about every object you can currently see?’ that may not have been an organic conversation.

Did he ‘glitch’ during foreplay?

AI occasionally hallucinates and suggests its users eat knives. If your date has taken on board such erroneous information, it would at least explain why he kept saying ‘You like that baby, don’t you?’ while trying to put his penis in your ear.

Was she totally lost without her phone?

Did you find the conversation veering wildly from ‘Nice weather for ducks!’ to ‘Are you familiar with the work of Roberto Rossellini?’ every time you nipped to the toilet? And if, after sex, all she could think of to say was ‘That was alright’ your date may be dependent on ChatGPT for her entire personality.

Was he excessively confident about stupid plans?

One issue with AI is its reinforcement of unrealistic beliefs. If the person you shagged was convinced he will shortly be a billionaire, ChatGPT may be to blame. Luckily you’ve not invested your life savings in his revolutionary new USB-compatible tea-stirrer.

Did she say odd, stilted things during sex?

ChatGPT isn’t allowed to be explicit but will happily dish out vanilla sex tips and suggest useful phrases. If she kept saying bland crap like ‘I love being close to you’ during sex, she’s got it from ChatGPT and you’ve basically just f**ked an algorithm. And it was the best f**k of your life.

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'Maybe you're not where you're supposed to be': Motivational signs debunked

VISITED a home full of motivational signs encouraging anything deeper than gin consumption? Can’t help but take down their bullshit? These stand up to zero scrutiny: 

‘Always remember that you are braver than you believe…’

Often continues ‘…stronger than you seem, smarter than you think and loved more than you will ever know’. But what if you aren’t? You’re not signing up for any wars, are you? It’s perfectly possible that you’re not as smart as you think and loved less than you imagine, especially if your self-esteem needs a boost from a shit Matalan wooden sign.

‘Remember, as far as anyone knows we are a nice normal family’

At what point are you so dull – in your own estimation – that you’re trying to hint that beneath the uninteresting facade you’re like the Fritzls or the Wests? The sinister undertones of this sign are unearned. You are normal, because you bought this from a garden centre.

‘Live, Laugh, Love’

The classic. But those things don’t necessarily go together. It’s perfectly possible to live without the other two. Spiders do. Besides, is this sign an order? What happens if you don’t engage in your mandatory laughing every nine minutes? Shot in the garden?

‘Life’s short – buy the shoes, drink the wine, order the dessert’

For when ‘You will die soon, it is your duty to service capitalism’ seems too blunt. The inevitability of death isn’t cheering to most. If you do plump for his memento mori, remember that life will be even shorter once you have liver disease and diabetes from the wine and dessert, and nobody will want unworn scarlet spike heels in your will.

‘If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best’

Firstly, assumes the two are easily distinguishable which in Auntie Kath’s case is something of a stretch. Second, why should anyone put up with you being an utter prick in the hope you’ll get better? Would you buy a sign saying ‘I can be a right f**king arsehole sometimes’ in curly script and hang it above the cooker?

‘Bad decisions make good stories’ 

Yes, you’ve been dining out on the Suez Crisis for years now.

‘Gin O’Clock’

Just because it’s 7pm somewhere in the world does not mean you should be necking a large G&T. It’s 7am somewhere in the world and you’re not scoffing waffles. Admit you’re an alcoholic and stop trying to normalise a drinking problem with wooden signs.

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