NEED to steer the conversation away from how Reform UK’s former leader in Wales took Russian bribes, in case the electorate hears? Follow this step-by-step BBC guide.
Step one: Ignore
Just like a pesky bee, incriminating news stories about how Nathan Gill pleaded guilty to eight counts of Russian bribery will go away if you ignore them. Addressing the situation will only irritate the media and millionaires who have decided Farage is our next prime minister, so continue to maintain the neutrality of total silence.
Step two: Downplay
Forced to fill up airtime on a slow news day by reporting on a pressing political scandal? Detail it in the breezy, dismissive tone usually saved for light relief stories, such as the skateboarding dog that saved a hospital. ‘And finally, you’ll never guess what happened, the Welsh Reform leader took bribes from Putin! Farage is stunned and didn’t know anything.’
Step three: Shut down
If confronted with a particularly vocal agitator in the Question Time audience, sternly talk over them to prevent uncomfortable facts from being broadcast. Then, for the sake of balance and fairness and to make it up to poor fairly maligned Farage, invite him onto one of the few remaining shows he is yet to grace, like Stacey Dooley Sleeps Over.
Step four: Attack Labour
Reform UK are the scrappy, innocent underdogs in the gladiatorial thunderdome of politics. Labour may be trailing behind them in the polls, but they’re very much Goliath in this analogy. If Russian bribes come up, provide balance by bringing up Starmer’s handling of the China spying case. Illustrate this with an unbiased graphic of him as Chairman Mao.
Step five: Launch Celebrity Traitors
If troubling grumbles about Reform UK accepting Russian bribes persist, resort to the nuclear option: a new series of The Traitors with an A-list cast. Footage of Charlotte Church jiggling as she digs a grave would have buried Partygate if arranged in time, so this should ensure nobody mentions a senior Reform politician being a Russian pawn ever again.
Step six: Resume normal operations
Which is to say, non-stop coverage treating the ascension of a man who so far has achieved a mere five MPs in his 19-year political career to Downing Street as an inevitability. There can’t be any more embarrassing incidents in Reform’s future, can there? Or none that can’t be covered up anyway.
