SEX is temporary, and one day we will all make love for the final time. But when will yours be? Find out:
When was the last time you had sex?
A) Saturday night, when my Bumble date finally accepted I was looking for a long-term relationship and gave it up. I currently have 14 unopened messages from her.
B) Last weekend when I was ovulating. We’re trying to conceive our second child, you see, though of course sex isn’t just about procreation but about our love as a couple.
B) Okay, let me think, definitely within the last couple of months, I remember it wasn’t long after the Pope died. That was in April? Ah.
When do you next plan to have sex?
A) Next Saturday night, when a Hinge date I’ve been nursing along for the last few months allows me past her defences and believes I’m for real. Jackpot.
B) In three weeks’ time, when I’m ovulating again. I mean we’d love to do it more often like when we were younger and we will again, but there’s a one-year-old next door and sleep is the most important thing in the entire world.
C) We usually try to squeeze in a bit of marital harmony around Christmas, because it’s the season for giving, isn’t it? Shit, I forgot we’ve got the in-laws.
When do you think you’ll last have sex?
A) I will die in the arms of a woman who has no idea why my notifications are always turned off and that I have multiple phones and several false identities.
B) Oh, once the kids are older I’m sure we’ll be back to how we were in our 20s when we first met. We definitely won’t get out of the habit and turn to dildos and internet porn respectively.
C) Based on frequency graphs, at some point during Trump’s fifth term?
ANSWERS
Mostly As: You will last have sex in your late 30s, when you can widen your Tinder radius no further and are openly identified as ‘that f**king creep’ on the street by women who’ve seen all the warning posts about you. You will be proud of this.
Mostly Bs: You will last have sex in your 40s, when it turns out teenage children are even less tolerant of parents making orgasmic noises behind closed doors than pre-schoolers were. You’ll miss it less than you would have imagined.
Mostly Cs: You will last have sex in your 50s, like everyone does apart from rich men who trade in their wives for younger versions before suffering Viagra-induced heart attacks in their 60s. Be happy with that.
