Hungover woman determined to make everyone suffer for it

A WOMAN who drank two bottles of red wine last night is determined to share her pain with everyone around her, it has emerged.

Charlotte Phelps enjoyed the bottles of Campo Viejo Rioja as a treat after a hard week at work, ruining the rest of her weekend, and her family’s, in the process.

Phelps said: “It worked really well as a stress reliever. Until I woke up this morning. And now the whole world needs to suffer.

“My husband clearly knew I’d be a f**king nightmare today, so he brought me some toast and tea in bed. Unfortunately, this just made me feel guilty for being hungover so I told him to stop being an obsequious shitbag.

“Then when I finally dragged myself out of bed the kids had the TV on loudly so I shouted at them for making too much noise and switched it off. Then they went on their iPads so I told them off for being antisocial and confiscated them.

“Lucky little bastards, not being old enough to drink. They’re part of this family, so they deserve to share my pain, as does the dog, my parents when they came round for lunch, and the Amazon delivery driver who rang the buzzer too enthusiastically.

“This must be someone else’s fault. Why would I inflict this on myself? That would be mental.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

You've been drinking body shots off strippers WRONG your whole life

EVERYONE likes to slurp up a shot of tequila from a stripper’s belly button, but did you know you’ve been doing it wrong your whole life?

You’re not already off your face

Just as you wouldn’t start a meal with a rich, creamy dessert, you shouldn’t begin your night out with a body shot. You should already have half a dozen shots flowing through your system, along with a line or two of some unsavoury powder, to really get you in the zone. But for the best buzz, make sure you’ve just gambled away a couple of grand at a nearby casino. Now you’re ready.

You’re using your hands

Have you been ‘steadying’ yourself by holding onto the stripper? Not cool, bro. Your hands should be firmly placed behind your back, and the only body part that should be making contact is your mouth. Letting your meathooks have a cheeky wander as you suck booze from a navel would only cheapen and demean this hallowed ritual. So show some respect and do it properly.

You’ve forgotten to lick up the salt

Mate. Is this your first time or something? The tequila will be burning your mouth, so it’s crucial that you run your tongue over the salt sprinkled on your stripper’s torso. Don’t be afraid to get stuck in either or you’ll make them feel unattractive. And for the love of God don’t forget to take the lime wedge from their mouth. That shit’s basic.

You’ve been drinking them on a weeknight

Unless you’re on a midweek stag do, you shouldn’t be in the club necking body shots on a school night. Part of the excitement of the drink is that you get to go to work on Monday and none of your colleagues are any the wiser. As far as they’re concerned you had a quiet one watching Taskmaster, not living out The Wolf of Wall Street.

You’ve got a wife and kids

The f**k, dude? Body shots are strictly for frat boys and older men with nothing else going on in their lives. Why aren’t you at home spending time with your family? It might not be as glamorous but it’s way more fulfilling. And aren’t they wondering where you are right now? You should probably be putting your kids to bed. Shame on you.