Is your liquor cabinet fully stocked with undrinkable booze?

CHRISTMAS is coming, and with it the obligation to collect a large range of alcohol nobody truly wants. Go through our checklist: 

Tia Maria

Like Baileys, Tia Maria comes in an opaque bottle and is only bought at Christmas, but unlike Bailey’s, it doesn’t always get drunk. So this bottle could be from last year, the year before or 2010. You only find out when an unpleasant lump touches your lips.


A lightweight tropical girl drink that someone, whether a great-grandmother or a nephew’s girlfriend, will unfailingly ask for so you might as well keep it in to stop them drinking the good stuff. Turns devotees bawdy and violent after four.

Mulled wine

Mulled wine, or cooking wine with a festive label on, is a Yuletide shopping basket favourite but a faff to prepare. So it will lurk, undrunk, until a teenager pours themselves a glass or five and then performs a red wine sick on the new rug.

Pernod and/or Cointreau

The French stop themselves drinking too much by downing one of these foul liquids before and after every meal, the overwhelming flavours of aniseed or orange even cutting through the garlic. Ideal to keep for when there’s nothing else.

Unidentifiable foreign booze

Ouzo, raki, grappa, schnapps, Slovenian aquarium cleaner; normally you’ve bought a bottle on holiday already. But this year you’ve been nowhere more exotic than Aberystwyth so you’ll have to order blind off the web. Or better yet the dark web.

Angostura bitters

A key ingredient in all cocktails, this herbal concoction masks jarring tastes by being remorselessly unpleasant in itself.

Blue Curacao

You haven’t been pissed until you watch your own cobalt-blue vomit spiral into a toilet bowl. And it will.

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Woman wants husband to f**k off so she can watch Love Actually

A WOMAN wants her husband to bugger off so she can sit on the sofa and weep at Love Actually without being judged. 

Emma Bradford wants to mindlessly plough through a family-sized bag of Kettle Chips and a box of tissues while watching the film without anyone smirking and making supercilious comments about it.

Bradford said: “Look, we all know Love Actually is shit but so what? I don’t make a fuss about Tom taking The Mandalorian weirdly seriously.

“If he’s here he’ll come in during a particularly embarrassing bit, like Hugh Grant doing that stupid dance. Kind of like when your parents walked in on you watching a TV sex scene, but more humiliating.

“He’ll watch for a while before saying, ‘They had to make the kid American so Americans would watch it,’ or ‘That mews house would cost at least £2 million – what are they, Russian oligarchs?’ And then it’s all ruined.

“It’s a well known fact that the best marriages are based on being able to get your partner to f**k off occasionally.”