A MAN believes he has discovered a bold new frontier of nights out by going hard and going home simultaneously.
28-year-old Josh Gardner was barred from entry to the nightclub his friends had entered by door staff who claimed he was ‘too f**ked’ but, thanks to his foresight, was able to return to his flat and party to an extent those still out could only dream of.
He said: “Everyone’s always telling you it’s one or the other. As if they can’t go together, like matter and antimatter or Holly and Phil.
“But what they haven’t considered is going home, admittedly alone, banging two bags of coke and mixing Relentless with Absolut. Which is anyone’s definition of going hard but, incredibly, while not leaving the flat.
“I don’t remember anything that happened after 3am but I punched through a door, left several abusive voicemails, I’ve got a fused air fryer after leaving it on for six hours, I’ve smoked 40 Marlboro and my tongue’s chewed to f**k.
“It’s the hardest I’ve ever gone. And get this, I never left my f**king sofa.”
Friend Jim Bates said: “Yeah, Josh has always struggled to tell the difference between ‘going hard’ and ‘soiling yourself’.”
