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Man horrified at girlfriend's halved body count while she's unimpressed by his doubled one

A NEW couple lying about their sexual histories in the hope of pleasing the other have each failed horribly. 

Tom Logan and Nikki Hollis each revised their true figure of previous partners in opposite directions in order to make them more acceptable, but only succeeded in alienating each other further.

Booker, aged 26, said: “I’ve only slept with four women, including Nikki, but I didn’t want to seem like I was inexperienced. So I included her a second time then doubled it. Ten’s a par score for a man my age, isn’t it? The lads say so.

“Imagine my horror when she admitted a body count of 18, which is ridiculous. Even prostitutes would struggle to get that high, because a lot of their clients break down crying and can’t do it but pay them anyway. I’ve heard.

“I kind of want to order her down the clap clinic but we’ve been together five months and my knob’s fine, so it would be a hysterical overreaction. Still, though, 18?”

28-year-old Hollis said: “Ten? Is that all? He’s not that bad looking. Nor socially that awkward. And they wouldn’t know about the strange dick angle until they got down there.

“Obviously I prudently cut my numbers in half thinking we’d end up about equal, which was a miscalculation. Still, I’m sure he’ll understand that it’s easier for me because I’ve got low standards and a really great arse.”

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Paranoid Android, and other songs at least five minutes too long

CERTAIN songs might be quite good if they, you know, ended. Here are some that life is too short to listen to in full.

Paranoid Android, Radiohead

After a thrilling freak-out, Radiohead’s answer to Bohemian Rhapsody refuses to lie down and die. Mournful choral voices reflect the listener’s mood as the song limps on, while Thom Yorke’s seemingly random lyrics pile up into a compost heap of nonsense. It briefly comes back to life at the end, but it’s too little, too late. Thom’s brave exploration of the dark side of the human psyche is in vain because you’ve wandered off to make a sandwich.

Station To Station, David Bowie

Bowie was taking so many drugs in 1976 he can’t even remember recording this, which explains the complete lack of artistic judgement. A two-note piano figure drags on for about three days before the track eventually morphs into a coked-up version of the Grandstand theme. Fun for a few minutes, but it’s hardly Kooks.

Can’t You Hear Me Knocking, The Rolling Stones

The Stones were at their riff-tastic best in 1971, with Keith Richards perfecting the art of playing the guitar with one finger. But boy does this one go off the rails. From rock‘n’roll choon to aimless noodling jam, this ends up being the most pointless five minutes of Mick Jagger’s career, and he was in the movie Freejack.

D’You Know What I Mean?, Oasis

Despite abbreviating the word ‘Do’, Noel Gallagher has never been the model of efficiency. All the songs on Be Here Now are twice as long as they should be, but its opening track is possibly the worst offender: padded out to interminable length with aeroplane sound effects, howling feedback, bleeps of Morse code and, worst of all, a Gallagher guitar solo. Although the lyrics do include a pointless reference to ‘the fool on the hill’ so Noel saved himself a few minutes writing those pesky original lyrics.

Knights of Cydonia, Muse

A bank of guitar FX pedals is no substitute for interesting music. Knights of Cydonia is what the Shadows would have sounded like if the Electro-Harmonix Microsynth had been invented in 1959. As part of a hit album, the song’s worst crime was helping to extend Muse’s career, which was already way too long in 2006.

I Want You (She’s So Heavy), The Beatles

There’s nothing wrong with a doom-laden arpeggio per se, but playing them on a loop for six minutes while they slowly disintegrate into a hiss of white noise was hardly the Fab Four’s finest moment. At least they had the decency to put it at the end of Abbey Road’s A-side so listeners could simply lift the needle and flip over for some decent tunes.

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