Lohan still looking pretty good for all the drugs, doctors have to admit

TROUBLED actress Lindsay Lohan is, despite years of drugs, rehab, and prison, is still looking as attractive as ever.

Appearing on the red carpet for a sequel to Freaky Friday, the 2003 film which came well before lengthy periods spent ripped to the tits on coke, booze and all the rest, experts have conceded that she could absolutely still get it.

Dr Martin Bishop said: “As a member of the medical profession I would dearly love to use Lindsay Lohan to illustrate the horrific physical effects of drugs on a once-beautiful woman. But have you seen her? F**king hell.

“Quite frankly she could come out with a book called My Heroin, Tequila, Drunk-Driving, Stealing a Necklace and Apparently Livestreaming Kidnapping a Homeless Woman’s Children, What The F**k? Beauty Secrets and it would sell. Women would want the look.

“Her past of wanton, confused excess only adds to her allure. Her harrowing stints behind bars give her an aura of 80s straight-to-DVD sleaze lesser hotties would kill for.

“It seems you can afford to waste a decade shooting up, indulging in convincing pseudo-lesbianism with Paris Hilton and fellating a horse dressed as John Candy at filthy Hollywood parties you can only dream of attending and get away with it.

“Maybe it’s good genes or something, but you spotted her in Asda it’d be like seeing a rare orchid growing out of a bunged-up Glasgow toilet bowl.”

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New mother giving up work to post photos of child full-time

A NEW mother has confirmed she has abandoned her career in order to focus on posting photos of her child full-time. 

32-year-old Sophie Rodriguez previously worked as a solicitor, but after becoming a mum realised her true purpose in life is flooding social media with images of her son Archie in hats.

Rodriguez said: “I know some women will judge me for having a law degree and not going back to work. But then I thought ‘Why sit bored in an office all day when my true passion is uploading 48 almost identical pics of Archie?’ 

“Being a stay-at-home mum isn’t easy. There’s Instagram, Twitter and Facebook to take care of, not to mention coming up with captions and putting the second-rate snaps on family WhatsApp groups. 

“I suppose I could post from work, but can a woman really have it all? It’d mean having a babysitter at home fulfilling my role and she might get the lighting wrong.

“I may have left my job, but I’ve gained something more valuable – a brand based around someone who can’t yet run away from my camera phone. And my followers love this content, which is always great, aside from that one man in Norfolk who thought the baby was for sale.”

Rodriguez’s partner Tom Logan said: “She’s always been into her photos. Before Archie, she was running an Instagram account supposedly by our poodle, referring to herself as its ‘hooman’. So the options were either having a child or having her sectioned.”