Lightweight pissed after 10 pints

A MAN who is pissed after drinking 10 pints in quick succession has been branded an ’embarrassing lightweight’ by his friends.

Despite only drinking over five litres of 5.4 per cent IPA within the space of a few hours, Ryan Whittaker started to feel intoxicated and was told to man up.

Fellow drinker Tom Booker said: “It’s totally normal to drink a volume of strong ale you could swim in and yet he’s starting to feel a bit out of it. I’ve never seen anyone handle their drink so badly.

“After knocking back the eighth pint he started to slur his words and developed a heightened sense of self-esteem, which is pretty f**king rich seeing as getting pissed that easily is nothing to feel smug about.”

Friend Wayne Hayes added: “At first we all thought he was winding us up. After all, who gets drunk by necking over a gallon of booze in one sitting? I do it every weekend and there’s nothing wrong with me, aside from this massive belly and permanent memory loss.”

Ryan said: “Maybe if I keep going I’ll get a second wind and metabolise these pints faster. Or perhaps I’ll go blind. Only one way to find out.”

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Christmas markets now just one pissed-off British bloke selling cans of lager

FOLLOWING Brexit and Covid, traditional Christmas markets are now a grumpy bastard from Walsall selling cans of Carling out of a shed. 

The lack of continental traders and social distancing requirements mean that traditional Christmas markets of Brie, glühwein and carved wooden toys have been reduced to one man who does not want to be there overcharging you for lager.

Nathan Muir of Leeds said: “He’s got a Bluetooth speaker playing Christmas songs, but he keeps it inside the shed because he ‘doesn’t like the look of these thieving f**king kids’.

“Carling’s a fiver a can. There’s a few fairy lights strung on the shed roof. Every 40 minutes he locks the shed door and goes and has a fag just behind it.

“I asked if there were any stalls coming, selling Christmas crafts and lovely handmade fudge, and he said there was ‘none of that shit this year’. Then he asked if I was buying a Carling or not, and if I wasn’t then piss off out of it and stop wasting his time.”

Roy Hobbs, who is running the Christmas market, said: “Yeah, all the French and Germans and that f**king shower couldn’t come because of Brexit. Good riddance.

“We invented Christmas anyway. You can come down here and get rat-arsed in the cold and that’s it.”