Man cooling down by necking pints can't see how this will go wrong

A MAN taking the edge off the bank holiday heatwave by drinking pint after pint of refreshing cold lager cannot imagine how it could backfire.

Jordan Gardner walked into town to pick up a few things, got a bit hot and sweaty, and is currently halfway down his third frosty pint while still believing this to be a great idea.

He said: “On scorching days like this it’s important to stay hydrated, which is why I’m playing it safe by knocking back litres of crisp, yeasty syrup like it’s going out of fashion. It’s the responsible thing to do.

“I also skipped breakfast, which I think is helping my body feel the benefits of this nectar as soon as possible. And judging by the effervescent sensation in my guts, I think it’s already starting to kick in.

“If I keep up a steady pace I should maintain a low body temperature. I’ve done this before so I know what I’m doing, although I can’t remember how that panned out. Drawing a blank for some reason.”

Barmaid Donna Sheridan said: “Yeah, he’s back, just like at Easter. Two more pints and we’ll turf him out. Wonder if he’ll make it home before he shits himself?”

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'Why’s the sky blue?' and other arsehole questions from kids

CHILDREN’S curiosity is a wonderful thing, until you’re required to provide the answers. These basic questions will baffle you: 

What’s the sun?

It’s a big ball of fire. But how is it burning? You could wing it and hazard a guess that it’s, like, a big ball of petrol? Or you could Google it and waste both your and your child’s time as you both fail to understand nuclear fusion.

Why’s the sky blue?

You’re pretty sure it has something to do with some kind of gas? Maybe ozone? But a cursory check reveals it’s something to do with light wavelengths and any attempt to explain will out you as both ignorant and thick. If only you were religious and could say ‘because that’s how God made it’.

How do phones work?

Dread the day when your child eventually demands to know how a small piece of metal and plastic can contain every episode of Paw Patrol and Peppa Pig. Because you’ve let this miracle appear within the span our your lifetime without ever wondering how it’s transpired. Just keep repeating the phrase ‘computer chips’.

What happens when we die?

It’s the existential questions that has troubled theologians, philosophers and scientists for millennia and – one thing’s for certain – you are absolutely not going to bring any new insights to the table. Better to sugar-coat it for now and claim that you go to heaven, like their hamster did.

How do planes stay in the sky?

You know that it’s because of their wings and engines, but the moment they ask how those work you’re shafted. After a few minutes of feeling atrociously out of your depth looking at various graphics describing wing-shapes and air-flow, your best bet is to give the kid crisps to distract them.