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Man never more than eight hours from beer

A MAN is never more than 480 minutes from being able to neck pints of delicious, refreshing beer, it has emerged.

Booze-lover Martin Bishop has calculated that between lengthy stints of going to work and being asleep, he is never more than eight hours from being able to indulge in a crisp, tasty pint of lovely beer.

He said: “It sounds like one of those unbelievable facts, like how space is only 62 miles away. But it’s true for all of us, unless you’re teetotal.

“Think about it. If you have a drink before you go to bed, you’re just eight hours away from your next sip. And that’s only if you don’t get up in the middle of the night for a cheeky top up after going for a wee.

“According to HR I can’t drink at work, but there’s nothing stopping me from having a cheeky swig in the car park at 8:59. Then it’s simply a case of watching the clock count down to pub time. If I get really desperate I can usually get away with a half during lunch.

“Long-haul flights aren’t a problem thanks to the drinks trolley. I can’t see myself having to wait more than eight hours unless I get stranded on a desert island or there’s prohibition. Even then I reckon I could figure something out.”

He added: “It’s little babies I feel sorry for. They have to wait 18 years, or if they’re cool, 11.”

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Good TV ratings, Christian, not Iranian: Trump's qualifications to be Iran's next supreme leader

PRESIDENT Trump has announced he will directly appoint the next supreme leader of Iran, due to his delusions. These are the qualities he is looking for:

Of Christian faith

Iran has been an Islamic republic since 1979, and what good has it done it? Meanwhile in the same period Christian countries developed the iPod, the air-fryer and Heelys. A man unafraid to say ‘Merry Christmas’ would be a man who the West could work with. If keeping multiple wives is a must for Iranians a Mormon is acceptable.

Proven ratings winner

Trump owes his success to The Apprentice beating every rival show in the ratings, even though it rarely actually did. So priority will be given to applicants with a track record of similar 00s reality TV ratings success, such as the Kardashians, Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino of Jersey Shore, Paris Hilton and Steve-O.

Not Iranian

Iranians are difficult to deal with, insisting on speaking a non-English language while holding allegiance to a country which is not America. They’ve had their chance. Instead white candidates from Anglophone countries will be favoured, especially if clean-shaven, wearing suits, and hailing from Texas-based oil dynasties.

Extensive knowledge of classic Wrestlemania

Trump often finds, when discussing the Middle East, that his mind wanders to 80s wrestler The Iron Sheik who was in fact Iranian. He then continues to discuss his own appearance in the ‘Battle of the Billionaires’ at Wrestlemania 23, which Trump won. Anyone familiar with these events who can use them to steer discussion back to geopolitics is welcomed.

Happy to be known as ‘the Donald J Trump Supreme Leader of Iran’

Branding is everything in politics, and the president does not appreciate rivals attempting to make their names known. The successful applicant will sign away all rights to their own name and identity on taking office and will instead bear the above appellation throughout, even when overthrown and executed in a football stadium.

No pay or benefits

Healthcare, security in employment, pensions or working rights are not, and have never been, part of Trump’s vision for the world. The contract for this position will not therefore include any. The successful candidate is encouraged to take advantage of all opportunities to loot wealth and stash it in offshore accounts, as are the current US cabinet.

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