Man puts spoon in unfinished bottle of Cava like true sommelier

A man has put an upside-down spoon in a bottle of Cava because he ‘knows about wine’.

Nathan Muir took a teaspoon out of the kitchen drawer with a flourish and inserted it in the unfinished bottle of Cava, before putting it in the fridge door next to the cat’s worming medicine.

Muir said: “According to my mate Wayne, the teaspoon helps keep the bubbles, which in turn keeps the ‘bouquet’ fresh. This means I will almost be able to taste the Cava over my Chilli Heatwave Doritos tomorrow night.

“I’m actually becoming a bit of a wine expert. In a restaurant I choose the one up from the cheapest to show I’ve got refined tastes.

“And in a shop I generally select one with a nice picture on the label or a hilarious name like ‘Cock’s Bottom’.”

Muir’s girlfriend Nikki added: “We enjoy bubbles but after one glass we need to move onto something that can get us drunk without needing to fart every five minutes, just in case we’re still awake later to have sex.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man who's given up weed needs entirely new music collection

A MAN who has quit smoking weed realises that he can no longer listen to any of the bands he previously enjoyed, from Genesis to Snoop Dogg. 

Tom Logan recently gave up marijuana after two decades of spliffs, and is unable to find a CD in his collection whose stoned meanderings do not annoy him.

Logan said: “I’m not an idiot. I knew Cypress Hill would immediately lose their appeal.

“But it turns out that Mogwai, Ride, Sasha DJ mixes, Kanye West and Café Del Mar compilations, diverse as they may seem, all have one thing in common: you need to be out of your box to enjoy them.

“Does cannabis exist because people need it to enjoy Lee ‘Scratch’ Perry, or does Lee ‘Scratch’ Perry exist so stoned people have something to listen to? F**ked if I know.

“I’m getting bang into Dire Straits instead. Now that’s music you can enjoy with no more intoxicants than a big car and a quiet stretch of the M1.”