Man thinks bar staff at local knowing his name is a good thing

A MAN thinks all the staff at his local pub knowing his name makes him a well-loved neighbourhood face rather than a probable alcoholic.

Stephen Malley is such a fixture at The Woolpack in Chippenham that the people who work there roll their eyes when he enters before wearily muttering ‘Pint of Carlsberg, Steve?’.

Malley said: “They pretend to be annoyed that I’ve arrived to spend the entire afternoon and early evening propping up the bar again, but actually they love my constant hilarious banter and critiques of their pint-pouring skills. It’s livens up their day.

“They all know my name in there, from the landlord right down to the cleaner. Even the notoriously unfriendly barman who does the weekend shift knows it, despite the fact that he jokingly calls me ‘f**king dickhead’.

“It’s important to be visible in your community, and I do my bit by spending five hours a day holding court in this pub. I’m basically like the mayor, if the mayor was able to drink nine pints and still just about stand up.”

Barmaid Nikki Hollis said: “Yes, we do know his name in here. It makes it easier for the police to differentiate which local wanker they need to arrest for sexual harassment when we call them on a Saturday night.”

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How to make up the perfect unfalsifiable holiday romance: a guide for teenagers

AGED 14-18? Went on holiday with your parents? Planning to invent a wonderful romance with an incredible but untraceable girl or boy? Follow these rules:

Choose a ridiculously exotic name

Let your imagination fly free. Was your honey called Elektra? Was your gorgeous guy called Jamal? Don’t be tethered by the ordinary. The more outlandish your fantasy fling was, the more your naive-but-desperately horny audience will want to believe it. And remember, names like Linda and Geoff are thrillingly unorthodox to teenagers.

Invent an arresting backstory

Real holiday romances are with a girl from Darlington with an overbite. You don’t have to settle for that. A Greek heiress? The Californian son of a tech billionaire? A Filipino model who showed you home movies of her pet tiger? A Brazilian soap opera star? The more wild, the more plausible.

Paint a vivid picture

You made out for the first time under a waterfall. Then he flew you to the top of a mountain, accessible only by helicopter, for your first date. Then she took you scuba-diving and you kissed while a school of tropical fish darted about you. That your holiday was on a landlocked French campsite doesn’t matter. No-one will question it.

Go overboard on sex

Think Danny Zuko’s half of Summer Nights if, like your generation, he’d grown up with access to all the internet’s porn. She did the lot. He had a cock like a diving board. She span on my dick using her Cirque de Soleil skills. Again, any implausibilities in your narrative will be blithely ignored as your peers lap up the filth.

Explain the lack of evidence

But how did this love story for the ages go unrecorded in this era of mobile phones? How can you have lost touch forever when there’s Instagram? Simply explain your twat parents only allowed you an hour of screen time a day and you’d used it all before you got out of bed. Your audience will nod understandingly. They’ve been there.