Candle shops, the cosmetics aisle, and the other locations where time ceases to pass for boyfriends

SCIENTISTS say time only slows when you approach light-speed but any man who has accompanied their girlfriend to Superdrug will disagree. Here are more locations where time stands still for boyfriends:

The cosmetics aisle

The only thing that stops a man lying down on the floor and falling asleep is the terror that the Boots beautician will talk his girlfriend into getting a 60-minute in-store makeover. If anyone wearing a name badge approaches, hover near the fire alarm in case you need to smash it and drag her out of there.

Candle shops

What the f**k is this? A whole shop selling candles that cost £15 each? You can buy 50 tea lights in Tesco for a fiver. Your girlfriend says they smell nice, even though they’re giving you a cracking headache, and to prove it she’s going to sniff all 2,000 of them individually. Maybe the headache is actually an aneurysm and this torture will be over soon.

In bed watching YouTube videos

When your girlfriend has just spent 10 minutes watching your favourite BMX backflip compilation, it’s only fair that she chooses what’s next. But putting on a half hour Five Minute Crafts supercut is a step too far. Nobody needs to know how to make Barbie shoes using a glue gun and miniature diamantés. Apart from your girlfriend, apparently.

Independent bookshops

You don’t dislike reading. You got half way through Sapiens and bought Fight Club because it had a picture of Brad Pitt looking really cool on the cover. What you do dislike, however, is standing in a shop for 40 minutes while your girlfriends tries to decide between the prettily decorated clothbound hardcover of Persuasion or Pride and Prejudice. What does it matter? She’s just going to leave it unread on the coffee table and watch the TV adaptation instead.

The hairdresser

As a boyfriend you feel totally lost waiting in the salon. They’re lengthily discussing face-framing layers and miracle spray, whereas you just ask for a tidy up and then sit there mutely. You do feel a bit jealous of all the attention she’s getting though, and wonder if your barber will be up for giving you a gentle, relaxing scalp massage next time you’re in.

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Deadly new Covid strain will never be taken seriously

A CONCERNING new variant of Covid will never be taken seriously by the British public given how the previous waves were handled by the government.

Nobody has forgotten the string of monumental f**k ups, lies and scandals surrounding the pandemic, meaning that the emergence of a virulent new strain of Covid will be promptly dismissed by all.

Tom Booker from Basingstoke said: “The initial terror of the first wave has long worn off. Unless a new strain has a flashy gimmick like instantly killing on contact or being visible to the naked eye, nobody will give a shit.

“You can tell the boffins have stopped caring too. The latest variant is called BA.2.86, which doesn’t exactly trip off the tongue. If they really wanted us to worry they would have named it something scary like Omega or Balrog.”

Nikki Hollis from Portsmouth said: “I might have been willing to keep wearing a face mask and sanitising my hands if our lords and masters didn’t snog and party their way through the last pandemic. But they did, so I won’t.

“If a new wave takes off then nobody’s going to stay at home or do social distancing, not even if Chris Whitty gets on his knees and tearfully begs us. Furlough can make a comeback though. Getting paid to watch Netflix for a few months was brilliant.”