Childless couple at Disneyland confirmed as psychopaths

A COUPLE spending their holiday at Disneyland despite not having any children have been officially verified as deranged.

Tom Booker and his girlfriend Ellie Shaw go to Walt Disney’s Magic Kingdom in Orlando every summer, even though they are fully functional child-free adults in their mid-thirties.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Given that these people have a compulsion to visit a giant theme park without being strong-armed into it by a six-year-old, there is only one diagnosis: they are completely mental.

“The whole place is like some horrible commercialised acid trip. Everything’s too expensive, people dressed as Mickey Mouse and Goofy won’t stop harassing you, and you spend hours queuing up for rides designed for toddlers.

“Any grown-ups who put themselves through that ordeal without having a child demand it are, scientifically speaking, completely batshit. Adults who don’t have kids should spend their holidays doing normal things, like going to nice pubs.”

Ellie Shaw said: “You don’t need kids to find things like princesses and giant talking mice entertaining. Some people like sunbathing or walking around art galleries. We just happen to enjoy spending our holidays in a magical palace surrounded by cartoon characters.

“Anyway, they actually have a lot of sophisticated stuff for adults, like an Avengers rollercoaster.”

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You’ll get over her in no time, says dad still hung up on his year 11 girlfriend

A FATHER has reassured his teenaged son that he will quickly recover from a break-up, despite the hurt he still feels over a woman he hasn’t seen in two decades.

Oliver Bishop, aged 18, sought help from dad Martin after being dumped by his girlfriend of six months and was told it is best not to dwell on these things, before having to sit through a 20-minute monologue about how well his dad dealt with the aftermath of his secondary school relationship ending.

Martin Bishop said: “You’ll only be sad about it if you allow yourself to be sad. That’s what I told myself when Joanna Kramer gave me back my hoodie outside the science block in 1989, and I don’t even remember the look in her eyes when she told me she didn’t feel that way about me anymore.

“It’ll be hard at first, but you can be friends. Those romantic feelings will completely fade. I’ve got Joanna on Facebook and I feel nothing but joy when I see photos of her with her husband Tom, even though he looks like a dick who’s completely wrong for her.

“Now, no more sulking. You’ll meet someone even better, like I met your Mum. You’ll certainly never spend those quiet early hours of the morning lying awake wondering what might have been. No way.”