More beers to announce they are disgusting

FOLLOWING Carlsberg’s brave admission that it is probably not at all nice, other foul beers are publically confessing that they are swill. 

Unpopular brands like Foster’s, Budweiser and Tennent’s are filming multi-million pound ads condemning their beer as undrinkable piss in the hope that Britons will reward them for their refreshing honesty.

A spokesman for the British Beer and Pub Association said: “There’s an amnesty on crimes against beer, and we plan to take full advantage.

“Carling’s new campaign stars Brad Pitt spitting a mouthful of their unholy brew into a gutter, and Stella Artois’s new slogan is ‘A grim chore that gets you pissed’.

“‘Hoppy’ or a ‘refined taste’ were nothing but lies. The truth is that a significant part of the production process is us drawing straws to see who has the taste the latest batch of mulch.”

Emma Bradford said: “Most beer sold in Britain tastes like backwash mixed with weedkiller.

“I’ll have a Becks. Well you don’t drink it for the taste.”

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Duchess of Sussex announces she's had a cushion up her top for six months

THE Duchess of Sussex has surprised the media by calling a press conference then whipping a cushion out from under her jumper. 

Meghan revealed that her entire pregnancy had been nothing but a trick played on weirdos creepily obsessed with Royal babies, and asked for acknowledgement that it was funny as fuck.

She said: “Stringing everyone along by sticking increasingly larger cushions into my outfits has been hilarious for months, but I guess it had to end sometime.

“What is wrong with you people? If you paid as much attention to the state of the country as you have to whether I’m calling my baby Diana or not, it might be a less shit place to live.

“Yeah, the Queen was in on it. She reckoned she deserved a laugh at the public’s expense after all the embarrassment of the Brexit referendum. She’s actually thinking of chucking Great Britain out of the Commonwealth.”

“By the way, if I did have a baby, I’d call it Madison or Ryan or something. That would shit you all up, wouldn’t it?”

Meghan then threw the cushion into the crowd, where the Daily Mail caught it and decided to do a 24-page souvenir supplement about it regardless.