North East pubs: A guide for visiting Southerners

DRINKING establishments in the North East can be challenging environments for soft Southern shites. Here is a guide to making it as pleasant and safe as is reasonably possible.

Never engage with the locals

When entering the pub, head directly to the bar. Resist your instinct to say ‘Good evening’ unless you wish to fight. If you get to the bar without being confronted by anyone you are no longer considered an immediate threat. Take a deep breath and enjoy your relaxing evening.

Always address bar staff correctly

In the North East it is customary to greet female bar staff with the colloquial: ‘How, pet?’ Never do this. You are an outsider and your attempt to blend in will stick out like a visit by Ru Paul and all his friends. Likewise, never ask for ‘A pint of…’. The quantity will always be a pint. Order a half at your own risk. 

Never enter a pub with your partner

Drinking in the North East is a same-sex activity. Never enter a pub as a couple, you’ll both appear ‘soft’. It is just about acceptable to meet later in the evening, so rendezvous at one of the North East’s many sophisticated nightclubs for a romantic evening of smooching to Who Let the Dogs Out?

Wait until after your fifth pint before visiting the toilet

Having a piss is a sign of weakness. That’s just a biological fact. If you have a soft Southern bladder with the capacity of a dandy’s purse, you’ll just have to hold it in or piss yourself (not unheard of in some establishments). Once in the bogs observe strict urinal discipline – no accidental glances in the direction of cocks, more than two shakes is self-abuse.

Never ask if they are serving food

The answer is ‘no’. The nearest you will get to food is dry-roasted peanuts, and if buying always get six bags, then it looks like it’s your first meal of the day because you’ve been too busy drinking. In any case there will be at least 500 fast food restaurants nearby, with two-handed meals (chips, pizza) or one-handed meals (kebab, hot dog) if you’ve copped off.

Never wear a coat

If drinking in the North East in the depths of winter don’t commit the schoolboy error of taking a coat. Your ‘beer overcoat’ should be more than adequate for temperatures down to -30 degrees. The rule of thumb is: one layer only on the top and bottom halves, excluding underwear. And no, you can’t put your your coat on under your shirt and claim it’s a vest.

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Six celebrities you suspect are secretly bastards, for no good reason

SOME famous people are monsters. Then there are some you suspect of being dreadful based on nothing but idle, vindictive speculation. And why not?

Richard Osman

He’s not blatantly a shit like David Walliams, but there’s still something about the former Pointless presenter you don’t like. Is it his height? Is it his ability to recite trivia from a laptop screen? Maybe you’re jealous of the millions he’s made from those crime novels your mum loves while your Star Wars fan fiction goes unpublished? If only you had his agent.

Rachel Riley

She’s nice enough as she gets the vowels and consonants on Countdown, but anyone who’s that good at maths is clever and therefore not to be trusted, like Lex Luthor. It doesn’t help that her majesty doesn’t lower herself to write out sums she finds too easy to solve. Our apologies for getting a D in GCSE maths, Rach. 

Gary Barlow

The former Take That singer seems too gormless to have had such a successful career, so clearly he must be banging heads together backstage. Either that or he’s made some dodgy deal like that guy in The Matrix who sells out humans in return for being made a celebrity in the digital world. Yes, that’s the most likely explanation.

Emma Watson

Emma Watson is perfect. Too perfect. This must mean she’s overcompensating for being pretty evil once the cameras stop rolling. And what better way to hide your true nature than playing super-nice Hermione for years and speaking up for gender equality? The evidence is damning. Case closed.

Sir Bradley Wiggins

Not only is he a cyclist, which is an immediate red flag, he’s a professional cyclist who’s really good at it. In your experience these sorts of people are the worst, so unless he’s the exception that proves the rule he must be awful too. Plus he insists on being called ‘Sir’ Bradley Wiggins, which is a twat move in itself. 

Princess Charlotte

It’s not her fault, the poor kid. But there’s no way someone born into that institution grows up into a normal, well-rounded person. When her true tyrannical personality reveals itself over time, the nation will be grateful that she will never be Queen. She’s probably related to Bloody Mary somewhere down the line, so we dodged a bullet there.