DRINKING establishments in the North East can be challenging environments for soft Southern shites. Here is a guide to making it as pleasant and safe as is reasonably possible.
Never engage with the locals
When entering the pub, head directly to the bar. Resist your instinct to say ‘Good evening’ unless you wish to fight. If you get to the bar without being confronted by anyone you are no longer considered an immediate threat. Take a deep breath and enjoy your relaxing evening.
Always address bar staff correctly
In the North East it is customary to greet female bar staff with the colloquial: ‘How, pet?’ Never do this. You are an outsider and your attempt to blend in will stick out like a visit by Ru Paul and all his friends. Likewise, never ask for ‘A pint of…’. The quantity will always be a pint. Order a half at your own risk.
Never enter a pub with your partner
Drinking in the North East is a same-sex activity. Never enter a pub as a couple, you’ll both appear ‘soft’. It is just about acceptable to meet later in the evening, so rendezvous at one of the North East’s many sophisticated nightclubs for a romantic evening of smooching to Who Let the Dogs Out?
Wait until after your fifth pint before visiting the toilet
Having a piss is a sign of weakness. That’s just a biological fact. If you have a soft Southern bladder with the capacity of a dandy’s purse, you’ll just have to hold it in or piss yourself (not unheard of in some establishments). Once in the bogs observe strict urinal discipline – no accidental glances in the direction of cocks, more than two shakes is self-abuse.
Never ask if they are serving food
The answer is ‘no’. The nearest you will get to food is dry-roasted peanuts, and if buying always get six bags, then it looks like it’s your first meal of the day because you’ve been too busy drinking. In any case there will be at least 500 fast food restaurants nearby, with two-handed meals (chips, pizza) or one-handed meals (kebab, hot dog) if you’ve copped off.
Never wear a coat
If drinking in the North East in the depths of winter don’t commit the schoolboy error of taking a coat. Your ‘beer overcoat’ should be more than adequate for temperatures down to -30 degrees. The rule of thumb is: one layer only on the top and bottom halves, excluding underwear. And no, you can’t put your your coat on under your shirt and claim it’s a vest.