A CRAPPY little local pub has decided that it costs £10 even to pass through its hallowed doors becase it is New Year’s Eve.
The premises of The Albert has transformed itself into an exclusive, all-ticket affair for one night only, on the basis of a dozen 2024 balloons taped to the walls, a DJ and an all-Iceland buffet.
Landlord Martin Bishop said: “The cover charge keeps out the riff-raff, by which I mean anyone who doesn’t drink here every night of the year already and hasn’t got a tenner.
“If you’re baulking at the price like Shank Alan is, it’s not just any old night. That includes a pie and chips, cold buffet and we’ve got specials on: flat Coors is £2.50 a pint and there’s prosecco served in a glass with three different shades of lipstick on the rim.
“Ken’s doing security, because he’s got his own hi-viz and previous for wounding with intent. There’s a meat raffle, a DJ, a Stevie Nicks tribute, karaoke after midnight, a lock-in and a fight. That’s your f**king money’s worth right there.”
Local resident Tom Logan said: “Yeah, you might get cornered by a horny 58-year-old great-grandmother during the happy hardcore remix of Auld Lang Syne at midnight, but that’s the risk you take.
“No regrets about last year’s tenner. Admittedly I did get smashed on the back of a head with a pool cue, but I was out of hospital within the week and they’d had a whip-round for me.”