Shit local pub believes itself worthy of ticket-only New Year's Eve

A CRAPPY little local pub has decided that it costs £10 even to pass through its hallowed doors becase it is New Year’s Eve.  

The premises of The Albert has transformed itself into an exclusive, all-ticket affair for one night only, on the basis of a dozen 2024 balloons taped to the walls, a DJ and an all-Iceland buffet.

Landlord Martin Bishop said: “The cover charge keeps out the riff-raff, by which I mean anyone who doesn’t drink here every night of the year already and hasn’t got a tenner.

“If you’re baulking at the price like Shank Alan is, it’s not just any old night. That includes a pie and chips, cold buffet and we’ve got specials on: flat Coors is £2.50 a pint and there’s prosecco served in a glass with three different shades of lipstick on the rim.

“Ken’s doing security, because he’s got his own hi-viz and previous for wounding with intent. There’s a meat raffle, a DJ, a Stevie Nicks tribute, karaoke after midnight, a lock-in and a fight. That’s your f**king money’s worth right there.”

Local resident Tom Logan said: “Yeah, you might get cornered by a horny 58-year-old great-grandmother during the happy hardcore remix of Auld Lang Syne at midnight, but that’s the risk you take.

“No regrets about last year’s tenner. Admittedly I did get smashed on the back of a head with a pool cue, but I was out of hospital within the week and they’d had a whip-round for me.”

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We've been showing the same Hootenanny for 17 years and you haven't noticed, BBC confirms

THE BBC has repeated the 2006 Jools Holland’s Hootenanny every New Year’s Eve since and nobody has noticed, it has emerged.

Due to being too drunk, distracted or apathetic, no viewers have yet realised that Holland is introducing Lilly Allen performing her brand new song LDN for the 17th year in a row.

A BBC spokesperson said: “The Hootenanny isn’t something anybody genuinely watches. It’s just the soundtrack to suffering.

“Whether you’re in alone grimly waiting out the year, parents counting the minutes until they tuck exhaustion-crazed children to bed, couples pretending this is fine or in the stupor of middle age, nobody pays it a moment’s attention.

“You’d think Amy Winehouse being on it would be a dead giveaway, given she is long-deceased, but The Kooks are on and if anything that’s more jarring. Not one letter to Ofcom.

“If you’re watching the Hootenanny your life has swerved into a ditch. The last thing you’re focusing on is this shit.

“It’s saved hundreds of thousands, so it’s win-win for everyone. Except for Jools. He spends the night on an empty soundstage playing boogie-woogie piano and howling.”