Child-free couple have never felt so smug about their life choices

A CHILD-FREE have had their life choices resoundingly validated after five days with their relatives’ children.

Jack Browne and Sophie Rodriguez have spent the entire Christmas period surrounded by their nieces, nephews and their friends’ chidren before returning home to luxuriate in the smugness of their big, empty adult house.

Sophie said: “The sense of self-satisfaction is near-orgasmic. Really makes you appreciate the quiet, and the expensive white sofa.

“Watching siblings you used to be able to talk struggling to hold a coherent thought as two six-year-olds run past screaming. Seeing their shattered faces. Hearing that five hours sleep is ‘a good night’. Then coming home like we’ve found a back door out of hell.

“I think it was when I was being repeatedly shot with a Nerf gun, which f**king hurts, and my niece was singing Let It Go at high volume but with minimal adherence to the tune, when my dad asked me if I’d changed my mind about children.

“Credit to me, I didn’t piss myself laughing. Instead I glanced into the kitchen where the dog was vomiting Quality Street it had been force-fed by a toddler, out to the garden where the husk that was once my sister endlessly pushed a swing, and said ‘it’s not for me’.”

Browne agreed: “Everyone said ‘you’re so great with the kids’. That is entirely because I do it once a year. The rest of the year I am where kids are not.”

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It’s been a pretty good year for me sexually, says married man who's had three shags in 2023

A MARRIED man who has enjoyed no fewer than three sexual encounters in 2023 has declared it to be a landmark year for him sexually. 

As the year draws to a close, 54-year-old Nathan Muir believes it should also be viewed as the sunset of a golden era of marital shagging, specifically in his house.

Brushing away a tear, he said: “After 2021 and 2022, who expected this? This late flowering of a familiar yet ardent sexuality?

“The first time was in March and that came out of nowhere, because normally when I’m groping my wife’s boobs she just shrugs me off, but instead she surprised me by being up for it even though it was after 11pm.

“Honestly, that would have been enough for me. But then it happens again on holiday, in the morning this time, and I don’t think the smile left my face all summer. That was quite the encounter. Lasted upwards of ten minutes.

“Then, beyond my wildest expectations, I chanced my arm with a casual ‘How about it?’ in October and lo and behold we’re at it again like a pair of horny teenagers. Magic.

“I doubt I’ll have another year like this one in my lifetime. But I’ll still be wanking on this one until 2028.”