Christmas sex act vouchers destined to expire unused in drawer

A BOOK of vouchers for sex acts a man received from his girlfriend for Christmas are destined to expire unused in a bedside drawer. 

The vouchers, which were handed to Joe Turner with a lascivious wink and a promise of erotic delights to come, apparently come with a number of terms and conditions which are only apparent on close examination of the small print.

He said: “I tried to use the blowjob one straight away, obviously. But apparently it’s not valid when Emma’s drunk so much she’s feeling queasy or when she’s hungover.

“The more athletic ones I’m told aren’t useable on weekdays, the threesome one places the onus to secure a third party very much on me, and anal requires at least 48 hours notice because there’s prep involved.

“I can’t really argue with all that, but so far they’re not living up to their promise and if I’m honest I’d rather have had the cash.”

Girlfriend Emma Bradford said: “Well he bought me that hot-air ballooning experience last year and we never went on that.”

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Grandparents chuckle heartily at suggestion they do Dry January

A PAIR of grandparents who it was suggested could try Dry January and started crying with laughter, it has emerged.

Retired couple Roy and Rita Hobbs fell about in patronising hysterics after their granddaughter Emma sincerely suggested they give up the one vice they can still safely enjoy in their seventies.

Mr Hobbs said: “We were pissed when she floated the idea, which made it even funnier. Then we clinked our glasses and said ‘yeah, we’ll think about it.’ I don’t remember much after that.”

Grandmother Rita said: “What does she think we’re still clinging on to life for? A bus pass and a shingles vaccination? Sorry sweetheart, we’re only hanging around to enjoy a balanced diet of excess booze.

“Getting shitfaced is all old people do. If we’re going for a countryside walk we make sure to bring a Thermos full of sherry, and the main reason we go to church is for the wine. It’s not like we need to stay sober for work in the morning.

“We might not make it to February anyway, so we might as well live a little while we can. We can’t go skydiving or bungee jumping. Necking a few brandies before midday is as good as it gets at our age.”

Granddaughter Emma said: “Okay, point taken. But I thought they were going to explode when I asked them about Veganuary.”