The middle class person's guide to pretending you don't drink too much

ARE you the sort of middle class drinker who thinks it’s fine to open a bottle of prosecco every Saturday morning for Buck’s Fizz? Here are some other ways to kid yourself.

You have a cupboard full of booze you call a ‘wine cellar’

Feeling the need to buy wine by the case doesn’t become less worrying just because you store it on a special wooden rack in a cool, dark place. Especially if you also have seven bottles of gin in there too.

You buy alcohol specially for cooking

If you throw a couple of bottles of ‘plonk’ into your shopping basket then pour more of it into your gob than your venison ragu, you have a problem. The same goes for taking nips of cooking sherry, which is really just being a tramp with a kitchen.

You never get into a fight

Working class people get drunk and have fights, whereas you never do anything worse than getting a bit arsey on Facebook comments. But it’s probably only being a wimp that stops you getting into fights, because God knows you’d like to wipe Roger’s smile off his face after he became chairman of the Rotary Club instead of you.

You claim to be a connoisseur

Just because you have a special pad where you write down ‘tasting notes’, drinking eight doubles of whisky of an evening isn’t normal behaviour. But then nor is getting excited about a drink that hurts your mouth and tastes of peat.

You say some bollocks about ‘the sun being over the yardarm’

This nautical phrase dates back to when you needed a bucket of rum to forget that life on a sailing ship was utterly shit. However it also calls to mind the days of Empire when insanely bored colonial types felt getting out of bed was the perfect time for the first G&T of the day. So saying it not only makes you a pisshead but also a bellend.


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'Donate Notre Dame money to different charity' says man who has never donated to anything

A MAN who has never given money to charity has decided there are worthier causes than Notre Dame Cathedral.

Since part of the historic building was destroyed by fire, Wayne Hayes has become a self-declared expert on environmental and humanitarian issues without ever putting his hand in his pocket.

People across the world have pledged to match each donation with a bad-faith argument about why the money should be spent on something else. So far, there has been no knock-on effect for other charities.

Hayes said: “I can’t believe people are giving money to fix some building when there are people starving in the world, probably. In Ethiopia, I reckon. Is that still a thing? If I was going to give money to something, it would be something like that.”

Becoming angrier, Hayes added: “I can’t believe British people are giving money to some church in France when there are churches right here in Britain that need new roofs.

“Someone should do something about this. Not me, obviously. But someone.”