The top six shit-chatters every pub needs

NO pub would be complete without a selection of local legends sharing anecdotes that are obviously bollocks. Theses are the six key characters:

The Celebrities’ Mate

Fishing with Roy Keane? Abseiling with Billie Piper? Skeet-shooting with Michael Portillo? This guy runs into the rich and famous everywhere he goes. And did you know that just before you got here Kate Moss was in to use the loo and cadge a fag?

The Casanova

With experience of every type of woman, of position and location, the Casanova has romped his way through every sexual scenario you can think of. He’s only in this quiet pub on a Tuesday night to give his cock a break. Has he ever actually been seen with a woman? No way. Because he keeps that separate.

The Athlete

Despite having no professional training or visible signs of athleticism, this patron is always the first to remind you about his freakish natural sporting skills. He could take a set from Serena Williams, take a hole from Rory McElroy, and if he hadn’t pulled his back at the weekend, he’d show you how he can kick a football the length of two pitches.

The Expert

Bought something? Should’ve checked with him first. Whether it’s a pint of lager, a washing machine or a house, he’s there to tell you that you got the wrong one, what’s wrong with the one you got, and he knows a bloke who could have got it cheaper. Watch him tut and shake his head at your watch, smartphone and pork scratchings.

The Conspiracy Theorist

Aliens, lizard people, the Illuminati meeting every other Thursday in a room over the corner shop; the Conspiracy Theorist will take you on a journey of subterfuge and secrets the second you walk in the door. And there’s incontrovertible proof, oh yes. Just watch this three-hour YouTube video being shoved into your face.

The Anecdotal Validator

Ever thought a right-wing talking point was bollocks? How wrong you were. No matter whether it’s asylum seekers getting free houses or transes getting ordinary working lads fired one day before they got their pension, he can substantiate every single one with an anecdote. Bet you feel a dick now, yeah?

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Britain’s football songs from worst to better-but-still-shit

DO you like music? You won’t like football songs then. But with the Euros on the way here’s a few ranked from whale excrement to tolerable.  

Anfield Rap, Liverpool FC, 1998

There are men who’ve never heard music again after hearing this. They couldn’t forgive it. Features Bruce Grobbelaar rapping. After releasing this Liverpool lost the FA Cup to Wimbledon, and deserved worse.

World in Motion, New Order, 1990

New Order at their blandest with admittedly the only rap every Englishman aged 35-50 knows by heart. It’s a shame Joy Division can’t reunite to do their classic song for England in this tournament, New Dawn Fades. 

Here We Go, Everton FC, 1985

You know that song that goes ‘Here We Go’? That f**king one.

Don’t Come Home Too Soon, Del Amitri, 1998

The foreknowledge of Scotland’s inevitable defeat runs right through this one, which must have been a great comfort for Colin Hendry and the lads as they went off to play Brazil. May as well have been titled ‘Futile Optimism in the Face of Overwhelming Odds’.

Three Lions, David Baddiel, Frank Skinner and The Lightning Seeds, 1996

F**k off, f**k off and f**k off. Gloopy, laddish, saccharine bollocks that provides an unwelcome reminder of The Lightning Seeds. Now an anthem for morons who will probably have it played at their wedding, and Sir Keir Starmer.

Together Stronger (C’mon Wales), Manic Street Preachers, 2016

A passionate slab of football strumming by the Manics, the ever-reliable Volvo of stadium rock, who resisted the impulse to call Jamie Vardy a ‘walking atrocity abortion of suicide’ like they would have in ’93.

The Big Man and the Scream Team meet the Barmy Army Uptown, Primal Scream, Irvine Welsh & On-U-Sound, 1996

What could be more patriotic than a blissed-out slice of psychedelic dub with noted Hibernian fan Irvine Welsh ranting about Rangers fans over the top? Most things really. That’s why this is still alright.