NO pub would be complete without a selection of local legends sharing anecdotes that are obviously bollocks. Theses are the six key characters:
The Celebrities’ Mate
Fishing with Roy Keane? Abseiling with Billie Piper? Skeet-shooting with Michael Portillo? This guy runs into the rich and famous everywhere he goes. And did you know that just before you got here Kate Moss was in to use the loo and cadge a fag?
With experience of every type of woman, of position and location, the Casanova has romped his way through every sexual scenario you can think of. He’s only in this quiet pub on a Tuesday night to give his cock a break. Has he ever actually been seen with a woman? No way. Because he keeps that separate.
Despite having no professional training or visible signs of athleticism, this patron is always the first to remind you about his freakish natural sporting skills. He could take a set from Serena Williams, take a hole from Rory McElroy, and if he hadn’t pulled his back at the weekend, he’d show you how he can kick a football the length of two pitches.
Bought something? Should’ve checked with him first. Whether it’s a pint of lager, a washing machine or a house, he’s there to tell you that you got the wrong one, what’s wrong with the one you got, and he knows a bloke who could have got it cheaper. Watch him tut and shake his head at your watch, smartphone and pork scratchings.
The Conspiracy Theorist
Aliens, lizard people, the Illuminati meeting every other Thursday in a room over the corner shop; the Conspiracy Theorist will take you on a journey of subterfuge and secrets the second you walk in the door. And there’s incontrovertible proof, oh yes. Just watch this three-hour YouTube video being shoved into your face.
The Anecdotal Validator
Ever thought a right-wing talking point was bollocks? How wrong you were. No matter whether it’s asylum seekers getting free houses or transes getting ordinary working lads fired one day before they got their pension, he can substantiate every single one with an anecdote. Bet you feel a dick now, yeah?