Sunday, 27th September 2020

Three extra pints of lager a day needed during heatwave, say bloke scientists

BLOKE scientists have advised men to drink at least three extra pints of beer a day to avoid dehydration during the current hot weather.

Manly, beer-loving health experts say it is vital to keep liquid intake up by drinking from lunchtime onwards - preferably outdoors, to maintain a healthy, beetroot complexion.

Scientist and good bloke Tom Logan said: “I’d advise men to consume the extra fluid in groups of six or seven, standing round a table and laughing loudly every so often to keep your spirits up.

“People think of lager as alcohol but not a lot of them know it’s actually made with water - water our bodies need if we’re not going to shrivel up like wrinkly knackers.

“Lager cheers you up and quenches your thirst. Ask any doctor who’s a massive p*sshead. And during the heatwave, don’t forget to consume plenty of salted snacks. 

“It’s like in the desert. You have to replenish your salt. So eat whatever you can lay your hands on - crisps, ‘Nobby’s Nuts’, pork scratchings. You’re saving your own life.”

Logan also advised birds to drink an extra pint or pint-and-a-half to keep up, though not more than that as they might embarrass themselves.