We'll be taking our usual second bank holiday today, admits horrendously hungover Scotland

SCOTLAND has once again admitted that it cannot return to work until tomorrow because it overdid it massively at New Year. 

While the rest of the UK is back at its desks, everyone north of the border is still curled up in a darkened room begging their f**king heads to stop f**king throbbing.

Bill McKay of Kirkcaldy said: “Dear God. Ah Jesus. The pain. The pain won’t stop.

“Aye, we’ll not be able to make it to the office today, just like last year and all the other years. I know it’s four days since New Year but the suffering appears to be unending.

“You might be alright with one bank holiday, you English lightweights, but honestly what starts out as Hogmanay always turns into a full-on session. A single Monday off’s no use after a mad one.

“Don’t mind us. Do your pissy little jobs or whatever and keep the noise down. You can all have a head start on 2022 so you can buy big houses in the Cotswolds as long as you don’t give us any shit.

“F**k, my head. That’s mixing Bells and Irn Bru for you. Every f**king year.”

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Man disappointed to find his job still there

A MAN has been disheartened by the discovery that his employment continues to exist and that he is expected to take part in it.

Tom Logan, aged 37, opened his laptop this morning and was horrified to find there were job-related tasks he was expected to accomplish.

He said: “I kind of felt like my job had gone away over Christmas, and had every hope that it wouldn’t be back.

“I was finally free to embrace a life of eating chocolate oranges, getting drunk in front of films and taking three naps a day, just like God intended.

“Instead, I’m dealing with bollocks like replying to emails about how some business I apparently ‘work for’ needs to finalise its annual taxes or be fined £160,000, like that’s my problem just because I’m ‘chief finance officer’.

“I’ve been at it an hour and I hate it. And I have to do this all week? Why?”

Boss Helen Archer said: “Oh, is Tom back in today? To be honest it would have taken me a few months to notice if he’d just drifted off.”