SCOTLAND has once again admitted that it cannot return to work until tomorrow because it overdid it massively at New Year.
While the rest of the UK is back at its desks, everyone north of the border is still curled up in a darkened room begging their f**king heads to stop f**king throbbing.
Bill McKay of Kirkcaldy said: “Dear God. Ah Jesus. The pain. The pain won’t stop.
“Aye, we’ll not be able to make it to the office today, just like last year and all the other years. I know it’s four days since New Year but the suffering appears to be unending.
“You might be alright with one bank holiday, you English lightweights, but honestly what starts out as Hogmanay always turns into a full-on session. A single Monday off’s no use after a mad one.
“Don’t mind us. Do your pissy little jobs or whatever and keep the noise down. You can all have a head start on 2022 so you can buy big houses in the Cotswolds as long as you don’t give us any shit.
“F**k, my head. That’s mixing Bells and Irn Bru for you. Every f**king year.”