IS your home, country or media sphere plagued by Tony Blairs that just won’t go away? Rentokil exterminator Roy Hobbs lists your options for getting rid of the critters:
Put down a trap
A giant spring-loaded trap about five feet in length kills Blairs quickly and humanely, but keep away from children, labradors, spouses, etcetera. Bait it with something irresistible to a Blair – multiple investment flats, a lucrative contract to represent an authoritarian regime like Kazakhstan, or the chance to have been right all along.
Ignore the lies
If cornered a Blair will start piously blathering about Saddam Hussein being ‘a very real threat to the stability of the Middle East’ and ‘making the Labour Party electable again’. Ignore this self-justifying crap and bash its head in with a shoe.
Stop them breeding
Check lofts and basement for Blair nests, which usually resemble a £20 million London townhouse, and render them uninhabitable by spraying Corbynism. Otherwise you’ll be overrun with offspring on the same nepotistic gravy train of business deals and vague work with the UN.
Catch the infestation early
The longer Blairs are around, the weirder it will get. Nip in the bud before they’re smearing mud on their naked bodies while primal screaming during a Mexican rebirthing ceremony.
Don’t attract Blairs in the first place
Many people forget this simple advice. Don’t leave out anything that will have Blairs snuffling around: tasty food scraps, knighthoods, special senior knighthoods, or your attractive Chinese trophy wife.
Unfortunately, this may be your only option. As the entire UK has discovered, calling a Blair a ‘war criminal’ or ‘bat-eared religious creep’ doesn’t deter them in the slightest and you are stuck with the f**kers forever.