HIGH street pub juggernaut Wetherspoons is offering customers all-inclusive breaks at its hostelries at a wide variety of UK locations.
Travellers would pay a fixed fee for unlimited food, unlimited drinks and basic accommodation but mainly unlimited drinks, and go to exotic places like Redditch, Peterborough and Ashton-in-Makerfield.
A spokesman said: “Why do you book an all-inclusive? F**k off it’s the sunshine and the swimming pool. Stop lying.
“Research shows most Brits on all-inclusive holidays spent the fortnight in the shade by the bar stuffing their faces and sinking lagers, desperately trying to get more than they paid for when they can never offset the flight.
“Who needs abroad? Our package gives you that immersive all-inclusive experience without the torment of bright sunshine or frustrating interactions with foreigners. There’s no need for passports and no border queues.
“You get a reserved table and a wristband to differentiate you from the pay-as-you-go customers which also allows you back in when you’re thrown out, which will happen. Only six pints of craft ale per person per day, that’s just to keep the atmosphere upbeat.
“Entertainment provided by the clientele as usual, Steak Club and Curry Club compris, Euro 2024 on the big telly. An authentic all-inclusive holiday experience in magical suburban Lincolnshire, or beyond.”
Customer Roy Hobbs said: “That’s me sorted. Where do I sign?”
