Wetherspoons offering all-inclusive breaks

HIGH street pub juggernaut Wetherspoons is offering customers all-inclusive breaks at its hostelries at a wide variety of UK locations. 

Travellers would pay a fixed fee for unlimited food, unlimited drinks and basic accommodation but mainly unlimited drinks, and go to exotic places like Redditch, Peterborough and Ashton-in-Makerfield.

A spokesman said: “Why do you book an all-inclusive? F**k off it’s the sunshine and the swimming pool. Stop lying.

“Research shows most Brits on all-inclusive holidays spent the fortnight in the shade by the bar stuffing their faces and sinking lagers, desperately trying to get more than they paid for when they can never offset the flight.

“Who needs abroad? Our package gives you that immersive all-inclusive experience without the torment of bright sunshine or frustrating interactions with foreigners. There’s no need for passports and no border queues.

“You get a reserved table and a wristband to differentiate you from the pay-as-you-go customers which also allows you back in when you’re thrown out, which will happen. Only six pints of craft ale per person per day, that’s just to keep the atmosphere upbeat.

“Entertainment provided by the clientele as usual, Steak Club and Curry Club compris, Euro 2024 on the big telly.  An authentic all-inclusive holiday experience in magical suburban Lincolnshire, or beyond.”

Customer Roy Hobbs said: “That’s me sorted. Where do I sign?”

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Triathletes unable to say why

COMPETITORS in punishing triathlons are at a loss to explain why they would ever take part in them, it has emerged. 

Extreme sportsmen and women have admitted they put themselves through challenges that take months of training and exhaust them in body and mind for no real reward at all.

Nikki Hollis, who is entered for a full iron-distance triathlon later this month, said: “It’s for the challenge? But that doesn’t explain why this and not a hot-dog eating contest.

“I’m not doing it for the camaraderie because there isn’t any, I’m not doing it to impress people because the universal reaction to my swimming two miles, then cycling 112, then running a marathon is first horror and second concern for my mental health.

“They say it releases the same endorphins as hard drugs. But at this stage, hard drugs would be preferable both in terms of physical strain and time invested.”

Triathlete Susan Traherne said: “For me, it reinforces that I’m Susan Traherne, a unique individual and free spirit, challenges Susan Traherne to be the best Susan Traherne I can be, and when I’m the best Susan Traherne to be a Susan Traherne that’s even better.

“Does that mean anything? They were definitely all words.”