Nation struggles to think of something to thank their fathers for

AS FATHERS Day looms, Britain is trying its hardest to think of any occasion where their fathers did anything worthy of recognition or gratitude. 

Tom Booker, aged 34, surveyed the cards at Tesco but was troubled to find they all had some version of the sentiment ‘Thanks, Dad’ which he felt inappropriate for his own paternal relationship.

Booker said: “What if he asks, ‘Thanks for what?’ What will I say then?

“When I try to remember wonderful things he’s done as a father over the years, all I can remember is him sitting in his big chair reading the Metro.

“It actually feels slightly sarcastic to thank him for my childhood when we both know full well he was watching Football Focus behind me for most of it. Especially if I was telling him anything even slightly emotional.

“I mean he seems alright, he’s just not what you’d call an active parent. Presents are fine, he fits the stereotype so completely he’s happy with a beer mug or boxers with Homer Simpson on every year. But thanking him feels like going a bit too far.”

Lucy Parry, aged 21, agreed: “I don’t want to embarrass him or he’ll just get up and silently leave the room earlier than he normally does anyway.

“How about one that just says ‘Dad’ on the front? That pretty much sums up how I feel about him.”

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We ask you: who do you fancy to knock England out of Euro 2024?

THIS could be England’s year to go all the way to the stage where they are defeated by a better team, but who will that team be? 

Bill McKay, ferryman: “I’m an incorrigible optimist, so I’m saying France in the semi-finals. I know, I know, with a new untested team it’s almost impossible, but I can dream.”

Lynn Ryan, professional air hockey player: “Czechs in the quarters for me. Technically that’s impossible because they’re on the other side of the draw, but I believe that will reverse after the last 16 round along with the magnetic polarity of the Earth.”

Sophie Rodriguez, baker: “Who won Eurovision? Probably them, they’re on a f**king roll.”

Jules Cook, gatekeeper: “I imagine some kind of long-denied but quickly-validated Curse of Starmer?”

Martin Bishop, lecturer: “Ultimately, England. Always England.”