WKD and four other drinks it's weird to order once you're over 26

WANT to impress people with your sophisticated tastes? Make sure you don’t order any of these immature drinks:

Jägerbomb

Once the fuel of every youthful night out, as soon as you’re in your mid-20s Jagerbombs become a lethal poison that makes you feel like you’re having a panic attack. Don’t attempt to kid yourself and others you’re still young enough to handle that harrowing amount of caffeine and alcohol.

Strongbow

The only acceptable to way to consume Strongbow is from a can in a field when you are 16. This also applies to any cider that contains berries which are designed to make it palatable. If you want to be a grown up, you have to put up with the pissy taste of real booze.

WKD

WKDs are the bike stabilisers of drinking: you’re allowed them as a beginner but must ditch them as soon as you’ve had enough practice in getting shitfaced. Ordering a bottle of luminous blue, sickeningly sweet liquid makes you look like you’d be more comfortable in a Wacky Warehouse than down the pub.

Rosé

Rosé is wine for people who don’t like the taste of wine, so it’s perfect for those who would rather be drinking a can of Fanta. If you can’t cope with a complex red or a dry white, both of which will give you soul-destroying hangovers the next day, you shouldn’t be drinking at all.

Baileys

Baileys gets a special dispensation at Christmas, but for the rest of the year it shouldn’t be touched by anyone over 25. Although all adults would secretly like to be getting pissed on warming, chocolatey syrup rather than endless pints of nasty, tasteless lager, they will never, ever admit it.

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Five songs that sound romantic if you don't listen to the lyrics

Making a Spotify playlist for your beloved? Avoid these tunes which will demonstrate you’re a terrible listener:

Every Breath You Take – The Police

Debunked as the voyeuristic ramblings of an obsessive stalker years ago, this still inexplicably retains its status as a love song. If the listener purposefully tunes out every line about clingy behaviour and focusses solely on ‘I long for your embrace’ they may be able to kid themselves Sting doesn’t sound victim to several overlapping restraining orders.

God Only Knows – The Beach Boys

Though it gives the impression of being a charming love song, a close listen quickly reveals that it’s actually about a relationship soon to be crushed under the weight of the singer’s toxic co-dependency. Will make the object of your affection run a mile and get into casual sex.

My Heart Will Go On – Celine Dion

My Heart Will Go On is about love lasting forever, right? It’s deeply romantic. Well, yes, until you remember that it’s actually about love continuing after someone has died and cast forever to the floor of the freezing Atlantic. Not appropriate for the honeymoon phase of your new relationship.

Don’t Marry Her – The Beautiful South

‘The Sunday sun shines down on San Francisco bay’ is a beautiful image, and because it’s the first line of the chorus it’ll distract the attention-deficient from the adulterous thrust of the song. Don’t be surprised if the title alone sends your beau into a paranoid tailspin.

With or Without You – U2

The music is full of passion and yearning but with lines such as ‘My hands are tied, my body bruised’, this track is far too dark to sit neatly alongside Robson & Jerome’s version of Unchained Melody. Giving the impression that you’re a brooding psychopath is not the path to true love, except in movies.

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