So what the f**k will impress your parents?

You have a job, you aren’t a criminal, you remember their birthdays, and your parents still aren’t impressed. What can you do?

Buy them the boat they’ve always joked about

If your parents have a hilarious running joke about how the hard, miserable work of bringing you up will be worth it when you buy them ‘that yacht’, call their bluff and send them a 60-foot clipper. It will ruin your finances but you will feel briefly loved at last.

Marry someone with an incredibly stressful job

Your parents have always wanted you to marry a doctor, lawyer or stockbroker. It will be something impressive for them to show off to their friends about, while for you it will mean you never get to see your spouse until they’re signed off sick for three months due to burnout.

Have some children

Your parents will be incredibly pleased and impressed with you if you have a baby. This will last for ten whole minutes until they begin a decades-long campaign of criticism over your parenting style, all the while doting on your child so much that it turns out to be a spoiled little shitbag.

Buy a house you can’t afford

Your parents don’t like you living in that pokey little flat which is incredibly convenient for the train and local nightlife. They will be far more impressed if you get an eye-waveringly expensive mortgage on a nice big house in the suburbs and spend your evenings crying in your large kitchen about how crushingly bored you are.

Tell them you think they did a good job raising you

You don’t have to mean it, and the chances are you don’t, but telling your parents they made all the right choices when you were growing up is sure to amaze them, not least because they will be impressed by the sheer audacity of your lie.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man thinks women dress to impress men and not other women

A MAN thinks women dress up for his benefit, not to garner praise and approval from other women.

Tom Logan, who exclusively wears hoodies and jeans, believes that female friends and colleagues select outfits, add accessories and put on make up to solely to impress men like him.

Logan said: “Women put a lot of effort into dressing up so us blokes will look at them and want to have sex with them. That’s how the world works, right?

“Although sometimes I don’t think they look that good. Like with those maxi dresses that cover them from neck to toe. That’s not sexy to me.

“I’ve tried telling them but for some reason they get really angry. Probably because they’re upset I don’t fancy them.”

Colleague Charlotte Phelps said: “Tom doesn’t understand that women buy nice clothes because we like them and other women will like them, rather than because we give a shit about his opinion.

“He thinks the height of sartorial elegance is washing his trousers once a month. I doubt he could name any fashion icons from the last few decades.”

Logan added: “Yes I can. Jeremy Clarkson.”