Wednesday, 12th August 2020

Woman finally realises that champagne is revolting

A WOMAN who has spent her adult life pretending that champagne is marvellous and special has finally admitted it tastes like farty urine. 

Francesca Johnson, aged 39, has vowed to stop accepting proffered glasses of bubbly even if she looks like an uncultured pleb when toasting speeches with a pint of Stella.

She said: “‘Ooh, lovely!’ I coo when given a flute of champagne, then take a sip and pull that face everyone pulls like they’re drinking the contents of a catheter bag.

“Why does a drink that sells itself as the epitome of elegance taste so vile? And give you the type of hangover where it feels like you’re being stabbed in the eye with a hot rusty screwdriver?

“It’s like all the other things posh people claim are amazing but suck, including caviar, opera, rugby and Eton. Bullsh*t.”

She added: “I’m done with it. From now on I’m only joining in toasts with whatever drink I fancy at the time, whether it’s a nice cup of tea or a flaming Sambuca.”