Woman who drinks shitloads of wine surprisingly unknowledgeable about it

A WOMAN who has been drinking at least three bottles of wine a week for decades knows very little about it except that it comes in red, white and pink varieties.

Despite more than 20 years’ experience of guzzling wine, Donna Sheridan is still bizarrely unable to distinguish a medium-bodied Merlot from a fruity Cabernet Sauvignon.

Sheridan said: “If I had to name my favourite hobby, I’d have to say ‘wine’ because it is how I spend most of my free time. However, I’m not really down with the names and stuff.

“I mainly drink pink wines with animals on the label, although I’ve had House White several times and that’s very nice. I’ll even drink red in the appropriate circumstances, such as there not being any pink or white available.

“At a restaurant, I find you can’t really go wrong with cheapest on the menu. Some people like to go for the second cheapest, but I’m not some kind of wine snob.

“At home I generally plump for a cheeky little screw top. I admit I don’t know much about how to store and serve wine. Apparently, you should keep white wine in the fridge, but I’m not sure I understand the concept of ‘keeping’ wine. Maybe I need to go on one of those courses?

“I definitely don’t buy into the idea that certain wines should accompany certain foods. All three colours go perfectly well with a sharing bag of Quavers.”

Drinking buddy Joanna Kramer said: “Donna’s favourite variety is probably ‘Dregs of three different bottles all mixed together to make a nice big glass’. She’s a real wine buff.”

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'Forget ruining all those people's lives, here's some Spice Girls stamps!' says Post Office

THE Post Office has asked you to forget about how it destroyed hundreds of people’s lives and focus on a fun new set of Spice Girls stamps instead.

The release of the commemorative set of Spice Girls stamps has been specially timed to distract from how the Post Office wrongly accused sub-postmasters and postmistresses of theft due to its dodgy computer system.

A Post Office spokesperson said: “You’re not still whingeing about that, are you? Look, here’s Geri, and she’s wearing her iconic Union Flag dress. You love that. She’s got tits.

“Why not pop in and pick up a set that will cost way more than you’d expect? Our friendly staff will ring it through the tills that no longer bankrupt them or destroy their families. We’ve learnt our lesson so let’s drop it and move on.

“There’s also no need to watch that drama about how we screwed over innocent people and our old CEO Paula Vennells got away with it. It’s on ITV anyway so it’s probably shit, don’t waste your time.

“Just gaze at that little picture of the Spice Girls performing at the London 2012 Olympic ceremony and feel the burning anger you have towards us leave your body. That feels better, doesn’t it?”

Member of Gen Z Ryan Whittaker said: “What’s a stamp? What the f**k is a Spice Girl?”